Jon Birger17 March 2022

Are Women In Charge Of The Dating Market? - Jon Birger - #448

0Frameworks

10Insights

Insights & moments

The myth-busts, hot takes, explainers, and tools worth keeping.

Myth Buster· 2

Myth Buster71:00

Online Dating Leads to Less Stable Relationships

Contrary to popular belief, couples who meet on dating apps are more likely to break up or divorce than those who meet through friends, family, or work. The consumerist mindset of app-based dating undermines real emotional connection.

Divorce rate for app-met couples is six times higher than for real-world meets.
One-year breakup rate: 16% for online vs. 1% for meeting at a place of worship.
Dating apps encourage superficial screening like shopping.
Real-world connections build trust and shared context.

“the divorce rate for couples to meet on dating apps is six times higher than it is for couples who meet in the real world”
Jon Birger · 71:10

#online dating#divorce rate#relationship stability#dating apps

Myth Buster41:30

Most Flirting Is Completely Missed

Subtle flirting cues like hair flips or shoe dangling are largely ineffective — research shows 65–70% of flirtations go unnoticed. This miscommunication, combined with modern social anxiety, makes traditional flirting unreliable in today’s dating world.

65–70% of flirtations are not recognized by the recipient.
Men often misinterpret subtle cues or don’t notice them at all.
Social anxiety makes people avoid ambiguous signals.
Direct communication is more effective than playing hard to get.

“65 or 70 percent of flirtations are completely lost on the person on the receiving end”
Jon Birger · 41:50

#flirting#miscommunication#dating cues#social anxiety

Hot Take· 2

Hot Take31:00

Men Now Fear Being Called Predators, Not Rejected

The MeToo movement has shifted men's fears in dating from rejection to being accused of misconduct. This has made many men, especially younger ones, extremely hesitant to approach women, even in casual social settings, fundamentally altering dating dynamics.

Young men now fear being labeled a predator more than facing rejection.
This fear prevents them from initiating conversations with women.
The cultural shift has made dating more difficult for both sexes.
Women who make the first move now have a significant advantage.

“men used to worry about being rejected now they're worried about being labeled a predator”
Jon Birger · 31:20

#MeToo movement#dating fear#gen z dating#initiating contact

Hot Take64:00

Dating Apps Turn Romance Into Consumerism

Dating apps encourage users to treat partners like products, filtering by height, income, and education. This shopping mindset ignores chemistry and real connection, which develop through shared experiences, not profiles.

People ignore a 5'9" man at a party but reject him on an app for being too short.
Apps promote superficial screening over emotional compatibility.
Real-world meetings foster deeper investment and safety.
The 'stories of how we meet' matter more than we think.

“when it comes down to putting a number on a screening function on a dating app people start treating dating like shopping”
Jon Birger · 64:50

#dating apps#consumerism#romance#relationship mindset

Explainer· 2

Explainer02:00

Why Educated Women Struggle to Find Partners

The imbalance in college graduation rates — with significantly more women earning degrees than men — has created a skewed dating pool. This surplus of educated women leads to increased competition, making it harder for them to find suitable partners, especially as many still prefer to date men with equal or higher education.

About one-third more women than men graduate from college in Western countries.
This creates a lopsided dating market for college-educated singles.
Assortative mating — preferring partners with similar education levels — worsens the imbalance.
The issue is not limited to big cities but exists nationwide.

“over the past 20 30 years we've had about one-third more women than men graduate from college”
Jon Birger · 02:20

#dating market#education gap#assortative mating#gender imbalance

Explainer18:30

How Sex Ratios Reshape Campus Dating Culture

College campuses with different gender ratios show dramatically different dating behaviors. When men outnumber women, women become choosier and dating is competitive. When women outnumber men, casual relationships dominate and men are overwhelmed, showing how demographics shape relationship dynamics.

At RPI (70% men), students reported women becoming 'stuck up' due to high demand.
At Caltech (60% men), few people date and relationships are serious when they form.
At NYU (61% female), men take advantage of the ratio and avoid commitment.
Sarah Lawrence (75% female) sees 'mindless one-night stands' and female loneliness.

“girls complain about loneliness, the guys get more than they can handle and mindless one-night stands are rampant”
Jon Birger · 22:50

#college dating#sex ratio#campus culture#relationship dynamics

Story· 1

Story39:00

Bill and Melinda Gates' First Date Was Harassment by Today's Standards

Bill Gates called Melinda twice after she rejected his initial date request, with the second call framed as 'spontaneous enough.' While seen as romantic then, such persistence today would likely be considered harassment, highlighting how dating norms have shifted.

Melinda initially rejected Bill’s date proposal with 'you're not spontaneous enough.'
Bill called back an hour later to ask again.
This persistence would be seen as inappropriate or predatory today.
Shows how MeToo has changed acceptable courtship behavior.

“he called back an hour later and said is this spontaneous enough for you”
Jon Birger · 39:50

#MeToo movement#dating norms#Bill Gates#workplace dating

Tool· 1

Tool37:30

Dating Colleagues Leads to Stronger Marriages

Couples who meet at work have a much higher marriage success rate — around 30% — because they already know each other’s character, work ethic, and behavior under stress, leading to deeper compatibility.

Workplace romances have a ~30% marriage rate, much higher than other meet-cutes.
You see a person’s true self in professional settings.
Shared context reduces first-date awkwardness.
Examples like Jim and Pam from 'The Office' reflect real-world success.

“couples who made it work marry at a much higher rate than couples who meet in any other way”
Jon Birger · 37:50

#workplace dating#relationship success#marriage rate#real-world connection

Takeaway· 2

Takeaway26:00

Women Gain Advantage by Making the First Move

Because men are increasingly hesitant to initiate due to social fears, women who take the lead in dating have a unique opportunity. Research and Nobel Prize-winning matching theory both show that initiators get better outcomes in relationships.

Making the first move doesn't have to be aggressive — just clear interest.
Nobel-winning matching theory shows initiators get better partner matches.
Most flirtation is missed; directness avoids miscommunication.
Women who wait are at a disadvantage in today's dating market.

“making the first move is the only dating strategy ever to be awarded the Nobel prize”
Jon Birger · 44:30

#first move#dating strategy#relationship initiation#gender roles

Takeaway55:00

Dating Younger Men Reduces Relationship Competition

Women who date younger men avoid the intense competition for older, high-status partners. These relationships often have less career rivalry, allowing for greater support and emotional connection.

Younger men are less threatened by a woman’s career success.
Age-gap relationships can reduce jealousy and competition.
A 32-year-old woman dating a 27-year-old man gains emotional safety.
Helps offset the shrinking pool of available men in her age group.

“she could be really supportive of him and he could take her advice and there wasn't this kind of friction”
Jon Birger · 55:50

#age gap#reverse age gap#relationship dynamics#dating strategy