✶Explainer
What an emotion actually is (and how it differs from a feeling)
Kross defines emotions as responses to events we deem meaningful that load up like a software program to help us cope. They activate a 'loosely coordinated' set of physiological, cognitive, motor and facial responses. A feeling is the narrower, conscious part of an emotion, the part you're aware of, like the fever and chills of an illness versus everything happening in the body.
- Emotions are reactions to events we find meaningful, real or imagined
- They trigger a loosely coordinated set of body, thought, motor and facial responses that usually cohere but sometimes don't
- We experience emotions about 90% of our waking time
- A feeling is the conscious, felt component of a broader emotional response
“Feelings are the conscious component of an emotional response. They're the part of an emotional response that we're aware of.”
#emotions#definition#feelings#psychology
✶Explainer
Why 'toxic' emotions like anger and sadness are actually useful
Kross argues every emotion, even the ones we call bad, gives us an evolutionary edge at the right dose. Anger fires when our sense of right and wrong is violated and there's a chance to fix it, zooming us in and mobilizing action. Sadness follows a loss we can't fix, slowing us down to reflect and signalling to our community to check on us. Emotions are tools, just unwieldy ones.
- Anger mobilizes us to correct a fixable transgression
- Sadness slows us down to reframe an unfixable loss and cues others to support us
- A little anxiety before a performance energizes and focuses you
- The danger is intensity and duration, not the emotion itself: 'the devil's in the dosage'
“these emotions that we have, these negative emotions, they're tools, but they are unwieldy tools”
#negative emotions#evolution#anger#sadness#anxiety
✶Explainer
Strategic avoidance: you don't have to choose between approach and avoid
We're taught to always approach problems immediately and that avoidance is bad. Kross corrects this: chronic, blanket avoidance is harmful, but strategic, dosed avoidance is useful. Time away from an angry email gives psychological distance so you return either indifferent or more objective. His decision rule: if approaching leaves you ruminating, or avoiding still lets thoughts intrude, that's a cue to switch tactics. His grandmother, who survived the Nazis, dosed her hardest memories to one remembrance day a year.
- Chronic avoidance is harmful, but strategic back-and-forth is effective
- Distance from a triggering email often shrinks it or makes it look different
- If approaching just fuels rumination, avoidance may be better, and vice versa
- Combine avoidance with other shifters so you're not simply stewing
“we have overgeneralized from that observation that chronic avoidance is bad to assume that all avoidance is bad. And that is not true.”
#attention shifters#avoidance#rumination#distancing
✶Explainer
Space shifters: safe places, tidying for control, and removing triggers
Kross was blind to how much physical space moves emotion. We form attachments to restorative 'safe house' places, like his arboretum or tea house, that make problems feel manageable. You can also design immediate spaces: add photos of loved ones (a microglance speeds recovery) and plants for nature's restorative effect. When overwhelmed, tidying creates 'compensatory control', and it's easier to remove a trigger than resist it, which is why he throws out leftover pizza after a party.
- Restorative 'safe' places make adversity feel more manageable
- A glance at a photo of a loved one speeds recovery from distress
- Cleaning and organizing restore a sense of control when emotions feel out of control
- Removing triggers beats resisting them: 'far easier to avoid temptation than to resist it'
“It is far easier to avoid temptation than to resist it.”
#space shifters#environment design#compensatory control#triggers
✶Explainer
Relationship shifters: how to give (and get) support that works
Who you talk to can help or harm you. Pure venting strengthens the bond but leaves the problem intact. The best conversations do two things: first let the person express and feel heard, then, at the right moment, work with them to broaden their perspective. Kross also keeps an 'emotional advisory board' of people who understand these tools and can support him on bigger problems, and warns that emotions are unbelievably contagious, spreading within seconds.
- Venting alone builds connection but doesn't solve the problem
- Great support follows a trajectory: empathize first, then broaden perspective
- Ask 'can I share a thought?' to find the opening for the cognitive shift
- Build an emotional advisory board; watch out for emotional contagion on teams
“The problem with venting is if that is all you do... the problem is still there.”
#relationship shifters#support#venting#contagion
✶Explainer
Two reframes that turn social comparison from poison to fuel
Kross calls 'comparison is the thief of joy' the worst advice he ever gave, because comparing ourselves to others is how we gauge our standing and is unavoidable. Instead of stopping, reframe. When someone outperforms you, flip envy into motivation: 'they're like me, so I could do that too.' When someone suffers a tragedy, flip fear into gratitude that it hasn't happened to you. And curate your feeds to remove the comparisons that reliably send you astray.
- Social comparison is inevitable, so manage it rather than trying to stop it
- Reframe envy at someone's success into motivation and possibility
- Reframe fear at someone's misfortune into gratitude
- Curate feeds to cut out the 'secret enemy' triggers
“comparison, thief of joy... it's probably the worst advice I've ever given because social comparisons are how we work”
#social comparison#envy#gratitude#reframing#social media