Crappy Childhood Fairy01 May 2025

Limerence Explained: Why Do We Get Addicted To People? - Crappy Childhood Fairy - #935

0Frameworks

8Insights

Insights & moments

The myth-busts, hot takes, explainers, and tools worth keeping.

Myth Buster· 1

Myth Buster02:00

Limerence Is Not Just a Strong Crush

While often mistaken for intense infatuation, limerence is distinct because it doesn't naturally fade. Infatuation ends; limerence persists and can dominate a person's thoughts and life. It's less about the other person and more about the internal need for emotional escape, often rooted in trauma.

Infatuation fades; limerence does not.
Limerence feels like a heroin addiction in emotional intensity.
It's sustained by hope and secrecy, not mutual connection.
People don't 'get over' limerence without deliberate intervention.

“Limerence doesn't go away. Infatuation does right.”
guest · 02:25

#limerence#infatuation#emotions#mental-health

Hot Take· 1

Hot Take51:00

Limerence Is Actually Avoidance in Disguise

Despite appearing as desperate pursuit, limerence is a form of emotional avoidance. By fixating on someone unavailable, the person avoids real intimacy. It's like 'death by cop' — a way to ensure rejection without taking responsibility for leaving.

Limerence lets people feel 'hungry' while avoiding real attachment.
It outsources failure to the other person: 'They weren't available.'
It protects the limerent from the vulnerability of genuine connection.
The real issue is fear of being truly seen and loved.

“It's the relational equivalent of death by cop for avoidance.”
guest · 51:50

#avoidance#attachment#emotional-safety#psychology

Explainer· 3

Explainer00:30

What Is Limerence and How It Differs from Love

Limerence is an intense, obsessive emotional state focused on another person, often unrequited or unavailable. Unlike ordinary infatuation, it becomes an addiction-level fixation that can consume a person's life. It starts with romantic feelings but escalates into a dependency on hope and intermittent reinforcement, resembling addiction more than love.

Limerence is more than a crush — it's an obsessive, addictive emotional state.
It typically involves someone unavailable, uninterested, or even fictional.
The condition was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s.
It often persists and doesn't fade like normal infatuation.

“It's that feeling, but then all of a sudden it sort of goes into hyperdrive and becomes this addiction level obsession with another person who…”
guest · 00:45

#limerence#psychology#attachment#addiction

Explainer03:00

Childhood Neglect as a Root of Limerence

Limerence is strongly linked to early emotional neglect, especially in households with addiction or instability. The lack of validation and secure attachment in childhood creates a neurological template for seeking love in unavailable people, repeating the pattern of unmet emotional needs.

Emotional neglect in childhood is a major predictor of limerence.
People who didn't feel 'seen' as children seek validation through obsession.
Neurological development can be affected by early trauma.
The brain learns to 'find love where there is no love' as a survival mechanism.

“There's a really common denominator with people who are stuck on somebody and can't get over it... lack of enough attention when they were kids.”
guest · 13:20

#childhood-trauma#neglect#attachment-styles#neurology

Explainer61:30

Limerence Is an Addiction to Hope

The core 'drug' in limerence isn't the person — it's hope. The emotional high comes from the possibility of reciprocation, not the reality. This creates a cycle of obsession fueled by intermittent reinforcement, similar to gambling or substance addiction.

Hope, not the person, is the addictive substance.
The brain craves the 'high' of potential connection.
Rejection is avoided to preserve the fantasy.
This pattern mirrors variable-schedule reward systems.

“It's an addiction to hope. That's hope is the dope.”
guest · 61:45

#addiction#hope#dopamine#psychology

Story· 1

Story03:30

How Limerence Destroys Your Life

The guest shares how people in limerence often spiral: they avoid friends, lose focus, and abandon goals. The obsession becomes a substitute for real connection, leading to isolation, depression, and a loss of identity. The person becomes emotionally unavailable even to themselves.

Limerence causes social withdrawal and emotional unavailability.
Life begins to 'fall apart' as focus narrows to one person.
It mimics addiction, with highs from small interactions and lows from rejection.
The person stops loving others and themselves.

“When you're starting to check out, when you're starting to go down... you start avoiding people. You're not emotionally available. You can't love.”
guest · 03:50

#mental-health#addiction#emotional-withdrawal#trauma

Q&A· 1

Q&A72:30

Does Media Fuel Limerence?

Modern media, especially romantic films and TV, often glorify unrequited love and 'winning' someone out of your league, reinforcing limerent fantasies. While storytelling is improving, the myth of 'the one' still distorts healthy relationship expectations.

Old romantic plots promote limerence: dweeb wins beautiful, unattainable person.
These stories validate fantasy over real connection.
Modern TV is becoming more realistic and balanced.
The fantasy of being 'chosen' by someone unavailable persists.

“Until about 15 years ago women were not very three-dimensional... now we're hearing the perspectives.”
guest · 73:20

#media#romance#cultural-norms#relationships

Takeaway· 1

Takeaway78:30

How to Break Free from Limerence

Recovery requires cutting contact, stopping rumination, and changing environment. Talking about the obsession fuels it, like a drug user describing their high. Healing comes through present-moment practices, community support, and spiritual or emotional substitutes for the lost fantasy.

Treat limerence like a substance addiction — cold turkey helps.
Remove triggers: unfollow, stop listening to sad songs, avoid contact.
Friends should refuse to engage in limerent fantasies.
Replace the obsession with real-world activities and self-regulation.

“You have to cut off the talking about it and thinking about it.”
guest · 79:45

#recovery#mental-health#self-regulation#healing