Amanda Kuda13 July 2020

Navigating The Dating Market In 2020 - Amanda Kuda - #196

0Frameworks

8Insights

Insights & moments

The myth-busts, hot takes, explainers, and tools worth keeping.

Myth Buster· 2

Myth Buster02:00

Why Drinking Isn't Necessary for Dating Confidence

Amanda Kuda argues that using alcohol as a social lubricant in dating actually masks underlying insecurities. Instead of enhancing confidence, it reveals a lack of trust in one's ability to engage authentically. Dating sober forces individuals to confront and build genuine self-confidence.

Alcohol is often used as a crutch for confidence in dating situations.
Sober dating removes the need for external validation and promotes authenticity.
Relying on alcohol implies a subconscious belief that you're not enough on your own.
Choosing sobriety in dating is a powerful act of self-trust and emotional maturity.

“True love in 2020 is finding someone that you could date sober.”
Amanda Kuda · 02:00

“Unless you take a period away from alcohol to actually work out what are my capacities without this augmentation... you never actually know where your…”
Amanda Kuda · 04:30

#dating#sober-living#confidence#emotional-regulation

Myth Buster70:00

Why You Sabotage Potential Relationships

Amanda identifies 'fear of state change' as a hidden reason people back out of promising connections. The brain prefers familiar misery over unknown happiness, leading to self-sabotage through excuses like fatigue or lack of attraction.

Excuses like 'I'm tired' often mask fear of emotional vulnerability.
The brain resists change, even when it leads to better outcomes.
Recognizing this pattern is key to breaking self-sabotage cycles.
It's not about attraction—it's about comfort with discomfort.

“We like being in the cave... the one next door might have a saber-toothed tiger in there. It's like yeah, there's not a saber-toothed tiger…”
Amanda Kuda · 72:00

#fear-of-intimacy#self-sabotage#evolutionary-psychology#dating

Hot Take· 1

Hot Take46:00

Why You Should Ditch Bar Dates for Walks

Amanda advocates for walk dates instead of drinks, arguing that loud environments hinder real connection. Walking allows for natural conversation, shared movement, and eliminates the crutch of alcohol, fostering deeper intimacy.

Bar dates create overstimulation and make conversation difficult.
Walk dates reduce pressure and allow silence to feel comfortable.
Movement together builds rapport and shared experience.
Avoiding alcohol lets both people show up authentically.

“My first three dates can never be bar, concert, movies, comedy show... I need to have concentration to be able to have a conversation with…”
Amanda Kuda · 46:30

“Walk dates are my jam. Can we just go on a walk? Move together and also have that way like silence isn't uncomfortable.”
Amanda Kuda · 46:00

#dating-tips#first-date-ideas#sober-dating#connection

Explainer· 2

Explainer09:30

How Emotional Immaturity Affects Relationships

Amanda explains that many people enter dating without proper emotional regulation skills, often because they weren't taught how to process emotions growing up. This leads to using substances like alcohol to numb discomfort, which undermines healthy relationship building.

Most parents didn't teach emotional regulation, leaving adults to self-soothe through substances.
Alcohol is often used unconsciously to avoid feelings of anxiety, sadness, or fear.
Coming into relationships unable to regulate emotions creates dependency issues.
Dating someone who can't regulate without alcohol is a red flag for long-term compatibility.

“Most of our parents didn't have the ability to give us the tools to learn how to emotionally regulate properly.”
Amanda Kuda · 09:30

#emotional-regulation#parenting#mental-health#relationships

Explainer37:00

Why Most Dating Profiles Fail

Amanda critiques common dating app profile mistakes: too many filtered selfies, obscured faces, and action shots that don't show who you are. She emphasizes clarity, authenticity, and intentionality in profile photos.

Use clear, recent photos where your face is visible.
Avoid filters, flower crowns, and Snapchat effects.
Include at least one full-body photo and limit action shots.
Show yourself in social settings to signal being well-rounded.

“No more than one picture where you can't see your full face... no filters, no flower crowns. Just be a picture of yourself.”
Amanda Kuda · 37:30

#dating-apps#profile-tips#first-impressions#authenticity

Tool· 2

Tool13:00

The Relationship Inventory Exercise

Amanda recommends conducting a detailed review of all past significant relationships to identify recurring patterns—both positive and negative. This exercise helps clarify what qualities truly work for you and what red flags keep appearing.

List every significant past partner and note their 'yes' and 'no' qualities.
Look for patterns in the types of people you're attracted to and why.
Reflect on what your past choices reveal about your own unresolved issues.
Use the insights to become more intentional in future dating.

“I want everyone to do a really solid inventory of everyone they've ever dated... write down the qualities they have that are a yes for…”
Amanda Kuda · 13:00

#self-reflection#dating-patterns#personal-growth#red-flags

Tool24:30

How to Emotionally Detach from an Ex

Amanda recommends a 'cord-cutting' meditation to release emotional ties to past partners. This practice helps stop projecting old relationship dynamics onto new people and allows for healthier future connections.

Visualize peacefully releasing the emotional bond with an ex.
Use affirmations like 'I release this person and their hold on me.'
No contact is needed—this work is done internally.
Releasing the past prevents repeating unhealthy patterns.

“Do some sort of a cord-cutting meditation where you envision the two of you going your separate ways peacefully.”
Amanda Kuda · 24:30

#emotional-healing#breakups#meditation#personal-growth

Takeaway· 1

Takeaway55:30

Assume Attraction: You Are the Prize

Amanda introduces the concept of 'assume attraction'—entering dating with the mindset that you are valuable and desirable. This shifts the dynamic from seeking validation to offering connection, reducing anxiety and rejection sensitivity.

Approach dating as someone others should feel lucky to meet.
Your unique life experiences make you inherently valuable.
This mindset reduces fear of rejection and boosts confidence.
It's not arrogance—it's self-worth in action.

“You are the prize. You have all of these real different colorful interesting things... even if you think you're boring as hell, you're not.”
Amanda Kuda · 55:30

#confidence#mindset#dating-philosophy#self-worth