Dr Tracy Vaillancourt25 November 2023

The Ruthless Ways Women Compete With Each Other - Dr Tracy Vaillancourt - #711

0Frameworks

10Insights

Insights & moments

The myth-busts, hot takes, explainers, and tools worth keeping.

Myth Buster· 1

Myth Buster77:30

Social Pain Activates the Same Brain Regions as Physical Pain

Neuroscience shows that social rejection and bullying activate the same brain regions as physical pain, making emotional wounds deeply real and long-lasting, especially for women.

fMRI studies confirm overlapping brain regions for physical and social pain.
Social pain serves an evolutionary function: motivating reconnection.
Unlike physical pain, social pain can last a lifetime.
This explains why childhood bullying has enduring effects.

“When you're ostracized, treated poorly, bullied... the same areas of your brain are activated [as physical pain]. It's called social pain.”
Dr Tracy Vaillancourt · 78:00

#social pain#neuroscience#mental health

Explainer· 6

Explainer02:30

Why Women Are Intolerant of 'Sexy' Peers

Women are particularly intolerant of peers perceived as sexually provocative, not just attractive. This stems from evolutionary pressures where controlling female sexuality maintained group power, leading to indirect aggression against those who threaten that control.

Intolerance is strongest toward women seen as sexually available, not just attractive.
Historically, restricting access to sex gave women leverage in mating dynamics.
Women who appear promiscuous are punished to maintain group-level sexual 'value'.
This behavior is observed globally and even in young girls.

“Women are intolerant of certain types of women but in particularly they're particularly intolerant of women who are sexy and it's a universal phenomenon.”
Dr Tracy Vaillancourt · 03:30

#female competition#evolutionary psychology#indirect aggression

Explainer05:00

How Women Use Indirect Aggression

Women primarily use indirect aggression—like gossip, exclusion, and nonverbal cues—to compete, unlike men who use more direct tactics. This is rooted in evolutionary survival, where physical conflict risked maternal and offspring survival.

Indirect aggression includes gossip, exclusion, eye-rolling, and silent treatment.
Women are more attuned to and affected by these subtle cues than men.
Evolutionarily, avoiding physical fights protected maternal survival and offspring care.
This form of aggression is highly effective among women due to social sensitivity.

“Women proportionately speaking only use this form of aggression... it's our exclusive way of dealing with each other when we're being less than kind.”
Dr Tracy Vaillancourt · 15:30

#indirect aggression#female psychology#evolution

Explainer20:00

How Jealousy Drives Female Competition

Jealousy from social comparisons—like attractiveness or popularity—triggers indirect aggression in women. Instead of self-improvement, jealousy often leads to tearing down rivals or internalizing distress.

Adolescent girls frequently compare looks, intelligence, and popularity.
Jealousy is managed by attacking oneself or the rival.
Tearing down rivals is more common than self-improvement.
This pattern is stronger in girls than boys.

“Adolescent girls make a lot of social comparisons... is she prettier than me? Is she better than me? Those social comparisons elicit jealousy.”
Dr Tracy Vaillancourt · 20:00

#jealousy#social comparison#female competition

Explainer47:00

Bullying as a Tool for Maintaining Status

Bullying is often used by high-status individuals to maintain dominance, not by outcasts. Popular kids with valued traits like attractiveness or athleticism are more likely to bully those challenging their position.

Most bullies are socially powerful, not marginalized.
They target peers just below them in status who could become rivals.
Bullying reinforces hierarchy and deters challenges to power.
This pattern is consistent across cultures and age groups.

“Most kids who bully others are actually the elite of the school... they abuse their power because they have things that the peer group values.”
Dr Tracy Vaillancourt · 47:30

#bullying#social hierarchy#status

Explainer16:00

Why Women Need to Belong More Than Men

Women's survival historically depended on group belonging for child-rearing support, making social exclusion more threatening. This explains their heightened sensitivity to indirect aggression and ostracism.

Maternal survival and offspring care required female alliances.
Belonging was more critical for women than men evolutionarily.
This makes women more sensitive to social cues and exclusion.
The need to belong persists, affecting mental health today.

“Belonging was far more important to women than to men... we needed support from other women.”
Dr Tracy Vaillancourt · 16:30

#evolution#belonging#female psychology

Explainer57:30

How Bullying Affects the Developing Brain

Bullying impacts the brain's stress response, memory, and gene expression. It dysregulates cortisol, causes inflammation, and shortens telomeres—biological markers of long-term harm.

Bullying dysregulates the HPA axis, altering cortisol levels.
It affects memory by impacting the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex.
Leads to epigenetic changes and telomere shortening.
Effects persist into adulthood, increasing mental and physical health risks.

“Bullying affects all aspects of functioning... it impacts your hypothalamic pituitary adrenal axis, which is your stress response system.”
Dr Tracy Vaillancourt · 57:30

#bullying#neurobiology#mental health

Story· 1

Story21:00

Women Can't Let Grudges Go After Competition

A global study found women are less likely than men to reconcile after competition, holding grudges for years—even from childhood—due to deep-seated social memory.

Post-competition reconciliation is rarer among women.
Women remember slights from decades ago.
This is observed across 44 countries.
It reflects deep social memory and emotional investment.

“Women around the world just can't let it go... if you did me wrong in grade five and I ran into you just now, it's…”
Dr Tracy Vaillancourt · 21:30

#female competition#grudges#sports psychology

Tool· 2

Tool41:00

Measuring Social Media Friendship Jealousy

Dr. Vaillancourt developed a scale to measure how women are more affected than men by social media cues like not being tagged or seeing friends hang out without them.

The 'social media friendship jealousy scale' measures emotional responses to online exclusion.
Women are more distressed by not being tagged or invited.
This jealousy leads to increased anxiety and depression.
It reflects deeper evolutionary needs to belong.

“We developed a scale called a social media friendship jealousy scale... women were more affected than men by it across three studies.”
Dr Tracy Vaillancourt · 41:00

#social media#jealousy#mental health

Tool44:30

Hypercompetitiveness Predicts Indirect Aggression

Women high in hypercompetitiveness—needing to be better than others—are more likely to perceive slights, hold grudges, and use indirect aggression against peers.

Hypercompetitiveness is a zero-sum mindset: 'I must win, you must lose.'
Predicts heightened sensitivity to social threats.
Linked to mental health issues and relational harm.
Different from healthy self-improvement motivation.

“Women who are hypercompetitive are more likely to perceive slight when things are ambiguous... they're more likely to cause harm to others.”
Dr Tracy Vaillancourt · 44:30

#personality#competitiveness#indirect aggression