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Valerie Fridland20 May 2023

Why Is Everyone Saying ‘Like’ and ‘Um’ All The Time? - Valerie Fridland - #630

0Frameworks
23Insights

Insights & moments

The myth-busts, hot takes, explainers, and tools worth keeping.

Myth Buster· 5

Myth Buster04:30

Why 'Simpler' English Isn't a Dumber Language

People assume a language getting grammatically simpler over time means it's degrading, but Fridland argues the opposite. Old English had grammatical gender, multiple verb classes, and several plural forms (hence irregular leftovers like 'oxen' and 'children'), and losing those endings didn't cost English any expressive power — English speakers still built airplanes, vaccines, and the internet.

  • Old English had grammatical gender (like modern German) attached to nouns and adjectives
  • Old English had 'strong' and 'weak' verb classes; irregular verbs like drive/drove/driven are holdouts from the old strong-class majority
  • Modern English's single plural '-s' replaces what used to be many plural forms; 'oxen' and 'children' are surviving Old English plurals
  • 'Shoes' and 'eyes' used to be 'shoen' and 'eyen' in Old English
  • Losing grammatical complexity doesn't equal losing cognitive capability — no one thinks English speakers are less capable for it

No one thinks English is a stupid language... we've created the internet in English.

Valerie Fridland · 07:30

We'd be back in the days of Beowulf, which no one wants.

Valerie Fridland · 08:00
#linguistics#myth#old-english#grammar
Myth Buster21:00

Filler Words Help Listeners Understand You Better — But We Hate Them Anyway

Studies using eye-tracking and brain-response measures show 'um' and 'uh' actually improve a listener's speed of recognition, prediction, and later memory of what's being said. Yet socially, people read them as signs the speaker doesn't know their material — especially in contexts like rehearsed presentations, where dynamic, engaging speakers get away with far more filler than monotonous ones.

  • Eye-tracking and event-related-potential studies show um/uh speed up listener comprehension and prediction
  • Um/uh also improve how well listeners remember information later
  • Socially, listeners interpret filler words as signs of hesitancy or lack of preparation, especially in speeches/presentations
  • Dynamic, engaging speakers with interesting content get noticed far less for their ums and uhs than monotonous speakers

That's not bad for a little filled pause.

Valerie Fridland · 24:00

People that are more dynamic speakers... people actually don't tend to note their uhs and ums as much as people that give a monotonous, boring…

Valerie Fridland · 00:00
#linguistics#filler-words#public-speaking#myth
Myth Buster37:30

'Like' Isn't a 1980s Valley-Girl Invention — It's British and Centuries Old

Popular belief traces discourse-marker 'like' to 1980s Valley Girl culture, but Fridland says it's actually a British feature dating back centuries, showing up as far back as the 1700s in the Old Bailey's criminal court transcripts — one of the best surviving records of colloquial speech before recording technology existed.

  • Popular belief credits Moon Unit Zappa's 1982 song 'Valley Girl' with popularizing 'like'
  • Discourse-marker 'like' was already an undercurrent in Southern California speech before that song
  • 'Like' as a discourse marker traces back to British speech, documented in Old Bailey criminal court transcripts from the 1700s

Like is a British feature, and we find it traces back centuries in British speech.

Valerie Fridland · 37:30

I'm afraid we have to blame the Brits for this one.

Valerie Fridland · 38:00
#linguistics#like#history#myth
Myth Buster38:30

That Viral '27 Likes in 48 Seconds' Video, Decoded

Chris plays a viral TikTok clip in which a young woman uses 'like' 27 times in 48 seconds. Fridland points out that almost every instance is her giving her own subjective impression or opinion — exactly the function discourse-marker 'like' serves. The excessive frequency is real, but it's tied to 'age grading': a normal, temporary overuse pattern among young speakers that fades as they enter the workforce.

  • The clip used 'like' 27 times in 48 seconds
  • Nearly every use marked the speaker's own subjective impression, opinion, or approximation — its actual linguistic function
  • Heavy use among young speakers is 'age grading' — an overuse pattern that atrophies as speakers get older
  • Usage naturally drops once young speakers move into professional/workplace settings

So that was 27 likes in 48 seconds.

Chris Williamson · 39:00

For every parent out there who's freaking out about how their daughter or son uses like all the time — don't worry, I promise they're…

Valerie Fridland · 41:00
#linguistics#like#tiktok#youth-speech
Myth Buster62:00

Young White Men Borrow Black Slang — But Not the Consequences That Come With It

Fridland points out a double standard: young white speakers who adopt AAVE-derived slang (like 'Riz') do so to embody stereotypes of toughness and coolness, while facing none of the real professional or legal penalties that Black speakers using the same linguistic features routinely face.

  • Young white speakers adopt AAVE-derived slang to project toughness, coolness, and machismo
  • They pick up the stereotype-associated features without facing the real-world professional or legal penalties Black speakers face for using African-American English
  • This is described as 'playing with the language' rather than being genuinely embedded in it

They don't recognize the negatives that are faced by people that use African-American English.

Valerie Fridland · 62:00
#linguistics#aave#slang#race

Hot Take· 1

Hot Take58:00

Language Isn't Getting Lazier — Culture Just Got More Casual

Fridland pushes back on the idea that informal modern language is a symptom of decline, arguing language follows culture, not the other way around. She points out that Old English speakers were blunt and commanding rather than flowery, and that today's casual dress and speech mirror a broader cultural shift toward informality, not linguistic degradation.

  • Language follows culture, not vice versa — as culture gets more informal, language does too
  • 18th-19th century formality (elaborate politeness routines, heavy dress) was a historical peak, not an eternal norm
  • Old English speakers were direct and commanding ('do X'), not elaborately polite
  • Just as workplaces no longer require three-piece suits, informal speech isn't a sign of societal decline

Language follows culture, not the other way around.

Valerie Fridland · 58:00
#linguistics#culture#formality#hot-take

Explainer· 9

Explainer01:30

Why We Drop Sounds Like the 'th' in 'The'

Fridland explains that speakers constantly delete hard-to-say sounds under cognitive and articulatory pressure — English tolerates heavy consonant clustering more than most languages, which is why words like 'whisks' lose consonants in fast speech. The 'th' sound in words like 'the' is rare cross-linguistically and physically awkward, which is why many languages and dialects drop or replace it.

  • Words like 'whisks' naturally lose consonants in fast speech because English allows heavy consonant clusters ('a promiscuous language')
  • There's a cognitive preference across languages for minimal syllable structure — no consonants at the end if possible
  • The 'th' sound is rare across world languages; French speakers, for example, often can't produce it
  • Fridland's French-speaking mother said 'Twee' instead of 'three' because French has no 'th' sound
  • Dialects that drop 'th' (e.g. 'brova' for 'brother') are moving toward a more universally preferred consonant structure

I call it a promiscuous language for that reason.

Valerie Fridland · 02:00

She would say one two Twee because she couldn't make the th sound.

Valerie Fridland · 02:30
#linguistics#phonetics#sound-change
Explainer08:00

Why Big Languages Get Simpler and Small Ones Stay Complex

Fridland explains that widely-spoken languages like English, Chinese, and Russian tend to lose grammatical complexity over time because so many adult non-native speakers acquire them imperfectly, while small indigenous languages spoken by only a few hundred people stay highly complex because they're transmitted only within tight social groups where deep patterns survive intact.

  • Children have greater cognitive plasticity and can absorb complex morphology that adults can't
  • Large languages with millions of speakers and heavy adult acquisition (English, Chinese, Russian) tend to simplify over generations
  • Small indigenous languages (Austronesian, Native American, often spoken by only hundreds) stay far more complex because they're not transmitted across huge, non-native-heavy populations
  • As English lost case endings, it gained a more fixed word order (subject-verb-object) to compensate and keep meaning clear

Those languages tend to be much more complex than languages like English, Chinese, or Russian.

Valerie Fridland · 12:00
#linguistics#language-evolution#grammar
Explainer12:30

Language Change Happens One Generation at a Time

Fridland describes how deep linguistic change (new sound systems, new grammar) is transmitted through children, not adopted mid-life by adults. Adults can pick up superficial things like a new vocabulary word, but genuinely complex patterns — like New York's vowel-tensing rules — are nearly impossible for an adult transplant to acquire.

  • Deep language change (sound systems, morphology, pronouns) spreads generationally, not through adults suddenly changing habits
  • Adults can learn superficial things (new slang words) but not deep grammatical/phonological patterns
  • Example: New York's rule for tensing vowels before certain consonants (glass vs. cat) is a fiendishly complex pattern outsiders can't pick up even after moving there as a teenager
  • As languages grow to millions of speakers, the underlying rules become opaque to adults, who pass on a simplified version to their kids

Old people don't pick up new tricks — we're kind of like old dogs.

Valerie Fridland · 13:00
#linguistics#language-acquisition#language-change
Explainer14:30

'Um' and 'Uh' Exist in Every Language Ever Studied

Filled pauses aren't an English quirk — Fridland says they've been documented in every language studied, with most languages having at least a vowel-based version (like 'uh') and a nasal version (like 'um'). Different languages fill the gap differently: Spanish uses 'esta', Chinese and Japanese repurpose demonstrative pronouns.

  • Filled pauses are found in every language studied — a genuine linguistic universal
  • Most languages have at least two types: a vowel-only pause (like 'uh') and a nasal-inflected one (like 'um')
  • Spanish uses 'esta' as a filler; Chinese and Japanese use demonstrative pronouns
  • Germanic languages (English, German, Finnish, Danish, Swedish) share similar uh/um forms likely inherited from proto-Germanic or proto-Indo-European

Filled pauses... are things that are universal — they've been found in every language study.

Valerie Fridland · 15:30
#linguistics#filler-words#cross-linguistic
Explainer17:30

Why 'Uh' Sounds Like a Gut-Punch and 'Um' Sounds Polite

The specific sound of 'uh' isn't random — it's the mouth's neutral resting position, the easiest possible sound to produce while the brain is under load. Fridland suggests 'um' may have taken over more in English partly because it sounds more polite and formal than the blunt, open-mouthed 'uh'.

  • 'Uh' is essentially the sound your mouth makes at complete rest — the easiest sound to produce
  • Compare it to the sound you'd make if someone punched you in the gut — minimal articulatory effort
  • 'Um' may carry more social approval because it reads as a more polite, formal version of 'uh'
  • These forms likely trace back to proto-Germanic or even proto-Indo-European roots

If you go 'ah', it's kind of ugly — your mouth's hanging open, a fly can just wander in there. But if you say 'um'…

Valerie Fridland · 18:00
#linguistics#phonetics#filler-words
Explainer18:30

'Uh' and 'Um' Aren't Interchangeable — They Signal Different Delays

Fridland explains that speakers use 'uh' and 'um' with surprising precision: 'uh' tends to precede a short delay, while 'um' tends to precede a longer one. Since languages rarely tolerate true synonyms, the two fillers have quietly split into distinct functional roles.

  • 'Uh' signals to a listener that a short delay is coming
  • 'Um' signals a longer delay is coming while the speaker figures out what to say
  • Languages tend not to keep true synonyms — they naturally assign different meanings to similar-sounding words, including filler words

Uh seems to signal I need a short delay; um seems to signal it's going to take me a little longer to figure this out.

Valerie Fridland · 19:00
#linguistics#filler-words#communication
Explainer34:00

The Three Grammatical Jobs 'Like' Actually Does

Fridland breaks down 'like' beyond its traditional verb/noun/preposition uses into at least three distinct modern functions: a quotative verb ('I was like...'), a discourse marker signaling subjective approximation ('he was like a lawyer or something'), and an intensifier for emphasis ('I ran like 20 miles'). Each communicates something specific to the listener rather than being random filler.

  • Quotative 'like' replaces 'said' when reporting speech: 'John was like, I don't think I'm going to go'
  • Discourse-marker 'like' signals a subjective approximation or personal estimate, not a precise fact
  • Intensifying 'like' emphasizes for effect ('I ran like 20 miles' doesn't mean literally 20 miles)
  • These are distinct from less-accepted uses, like 'like' as a conjunction ('I feel like...')

If I said 'like he was a lawyer or something', that means I'm telling you this is my own opinion — I don't really know…

Valerie Fridland · 35:30
#linguistics#like#grammar
Explainer45:30

The Real Mechanics of Vocal Fry — and Why Only Women Get Mocked for It

Fridland explains vocal fry (which linguists call 'creaky voice') mechanically: the vocal folds bunch up and thicken, vibrating slowly and irregularly at a low pitch. Men do it too, but their naturally lower baseline pitch hides the effect. Women in broadcasting picked it up more from the 1990s onward, partly as a response to pressure to sound lower and more authoritative — landing them in a 'double bind' where high pitch reads as attractive-but-unprofessional and low pitch as professional-but-unattractive.

  • Vocal fry ('creaky voice') happens when vocal folds bunch, thicken, and vibrate slowly and irregularly at low pitch
  • Men also produce vocal fry, but their lower baseline pitch masks the audible drop that makes it noticeable
  • 1990s-2000s studies found women in broadcasting used vocal fry more than men in the same settings and more than women elsewhere
  • Women in broadcasting have faced pressure since the 1950s to lower their pitch to sound credible (Barbara Walters is cited)
  • High-pitched voices read as attractive-but-less-professional; low-pitched voices read as professional-but-less-attractive for women — vocal fry offers a way to get both
  • In British speech, where vocal fry was first studied, men use it 3-10x more than women

Women get the double bind of being less attractive in terms of ratings when we hear them with a lower pitch voice... a man with…

Valerie Fridland · 49:00
#linguistics#vocal-fry#gender#voice
Explainer55:00

Social Media Doesn't Invent Slang — It Just Spreads It Faster

Fridland argues social media disseminates language change rather than inventing it: features already exist at a low level in specific communities, and go viral once someone with cultural resonance uses them. She traces the word 'Riz' from its origin in Black American communities to its explosion via TikTok as young men outside that community wanted to embody the toughness and charisma stereotypically associated with it.

  • Social media's impact on language is dissemination, not innovation — features already exist in communities at a low level first
  • 'Riz' (meaning charisma/appeal, especially romantic) started in Black American communities, largely used by men
  • It went viral on TikTok once young men outside that community wanted to adopt stereotypes of toughness and machismo associated with it
  • Passive media exposure alone (e.g. a baby watching TikTok or TV) doesn't teach language — it requires authentic social engagement

The impact social media has is one of dissemination, not innovation.

Valerie Fridland · 55:30
#linguistics#slang#social-media#language-change

Story· 5

Story28:30

The Christopher Hitchens Debate Trick for Holding the Floor

Chris shares that a friend who does formal debates uses 'uh' at the very start of a sentence — never mid-sentence — to buy breathing room before an opponent can jump in, a technique he picked up from watching Christopher Hitchens. Starting with the filler early signals 'I'm not done' before anyone gets a chance to interrupt.

  • Starting a sentence with 'uh' gives a speaker breathing room (e.g. to take a sip of water) without inviting interruption
  • The technique was learned by observing Christopher Hitchens in debates
  • Pausing later, near a natural sentence break, invites someone else to jump in — starting early prevents that

Ums and uhs are a nice foam finger that you can wave in the air that says I've got a little bit more to talk…

Chris Williamson · 29:30
#debate#filler-words#communication
Story32:30

The 1980s Study That Found Men 'Delay' Their Back-Channeling

Fridland cites a 1980s study by sociolinguist Pamela Fishman that analyzed couples' conversations and found men used more 'delayed' back-channel responses — a slow 'yeah, uh-huh' arriving several seconds late — than women, which reads as disengagement rather than active listening. She notes the gap has likely narrowed since and may now correlate more with personality (conscientiousness) than gender.

  • Timely back-channels ('uh-huh, yeah') signal active listening and engagement
  • Delayed back-channels (arriving ~3 seconds late) read as disinterest — 'I'm reading the newspaper, not paying attention'
  • Pamela Fishman's 1980s research on couples found men used more delayed back-channeling than women
  • Fridland suspects this gender gap has narrowed and is now more linked to personality type (e.g. conscientiousness) than sex

There's very normal places to insert that uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh that shows excitement... and then there's the yeah, uh-huh that really slow, three seconds too…

Valerie Fridland · 33:00
#linguistics#gender#conversation#research
Story51:00

The Grocery-Line Story Behind a Vocal Pitch Study

Chris recounts evolutionary psychologist David Puts's anecdote about standing in a checkout queue behind two men whose voices were absurdly deep — he expected to turn around and see giants, but found two ordinary guys, with a very attractive woman standing nearby, hinting that men's vocal pitch drops around attractive potential mates similarly to how animals lower pitch to signal size and dominance before a fight.

  • David Puts's research covers evolutionary psychology of vocal pitch
  • He recalled hearing two men in a checkout line with unusually low voices and expecting to see 'man mountains'
  • Turning around revealed two ordinary men — with an attractive woman standing between him and them
  • Lower vocal pitch is linked to longer/bigger vocal folds and perceived size, similar to animals growling or roaring to signal dominance before a fight

He thought he's going to turn around and see these man mountains.

Chris Williamson · 51:30

This is how big — you don't want to fight me, look at the amount of sound that I can make.

Chris Williamson · 52:30
#evolutionary-psychology#voice#anecdote
Story60:00

When a Judge Had to Rule on What an Emoji Meant

Chris mentions a New York case where a judge had to formally interpret the meaning of an emoji. Fridland connects this to the broader pattern of rap lyrics being used as evidence against non-famous, everyday defendants in criminal trials — even though the genre's stylized machismo and violence are performative, not literal confessions — and notes defendants who use African-American English in depositions or as witnesses tend to face worse case outcomes.

  • A New York judge reportedly had to interpret an emoji's meaning as part of a legal case
  • Rap lyrics are commonly used as evidence against defendants — usually everyday people, not famous rappers — despite the genre being stylized and performative
  • Prosecutors treat lyric content as a literal confession rather than artistic expression
  • Research shows defendants/witnesses using African-American English get more negative case outcomes than those using mainstream English

We actually find a lot of hip-hop lyrics being used in criminal trials to the detriment of defendants.

Valerie Fridland · 60:30

This is not performance art — this is an indication of what this person's true nature is like.

Chris Williamson · 61:30
#linguistics#legal#aave#rap
Story63:00

Alexander Graham Bell Wanted You to Answer the Phone With 'Ahoy'

Fridland tells the origin story of 'hello': it originally meant getting someone's distant attention (like shouting across a street), not a greeting. When the telephone was invented, Bell and Edison disagreed on the standard answer — Bell, drawing on nautical hailing, pushed 'ahoy', while Edison backed 'hello'. The first phone book's instructions used 'hello,' which is why it won.

  • 'Hello' originally meant hailing someone at a distance, not greeting them, in British English
  • Alexander Graham Bell favored 'ahoy' (a nautical greeting) as the standard way to answer the telephone
  • Thomas Edison backed 'hello' instead
  • The first phone book's instructions specified 'hello,' cementing it as the standard greeting

He would answer the phone 'Ahoy, ahoy.'

Valerie Fridland · 64:00

I think we should go back to ahoy because I kind of like that.

Valerie Fridland · 64:00
#linguistics#etymology#history#telephone

Q&A· 1

Q&A26:00

Why a Silent Pause Confuses Listeners More Than 'Um' Does

Chris asks whether silence would work just as well as saying 'um'. Fridland describes research swapping filled pauses for equally-timed silent pauses or coughs — and neither gave listeners the same comprehension boost. Silence can even read as anxiety or as the speaker abruptly finishing, whereas 'um'/'uh' clearly signal 'I'm still working on it, keep waiting.'

  • Researchers tested silent pauses and coughs as substitutes for um/uh in identical sentences
  • Silent pauses did not produce the same comprehension benefit as filled pauses
  • A cough of equal length actually hurt comprehension
  • In some studies, silent pauses read as a stronger signal of anxiety than um/uh did
  • Silent pauses work better in high-power contexts like speeches, but are more confusing in casual conversation

A silent pause didn't have the same effect.

Valerie Fridland · 27:00

In some cases they can take silent pauses as greater signals of anxiety than when someone filled their pause with uh or um.

Valerie Fridland · 28:00
#linguistics#filler-words#communication

Tool· 1

Tool71:00

Valerie Fridland's Book on Everyday Speech Patterns

Fridland points listeners to her book, 'Like, Literally, Dude,' which covers the linguistics behind everyday informal speech features discussed throughout the episode, and to her website for more research and ways to participate in ongoing studies.

  • Book title: 'Like, Literally, Dude'
  • Covers the linguistics of informal, everyday speech patterns like 'like', 'um', vocal fry, and more
  • Her website, valeriefridland.com, hosts additional research and lets visitors participate in studies

They can obviously pick up my book, which is 'Like, Literally, Dude.'

Valerie Fridland · 71:00
#book#resource#linguistics

Takeaway· 1

Takeaway43:30

How to Actually Cut Down Your 'Like' Usage

Fridland's practical method for reducing 'like': identify which specific function your 'like' is serving (quotative, approximating, or intensifying), then pre-load a substitute word for that slot — swapping 'I ran like 10 miles' for 'I ran about 10 miles', for instance. Naming the pattern gives you a concrete lever to change it.

  • First identify which of the three functions your 'like' is doing (quotative, approximating, intensifying)
  • Prepare a substitute in advance — e.g. 'about' instead of an approximating 'like'
  • Take an extra half-beat before the sentence to consciously swap in the alternative
  • Understanding your own pattern gives you the tool either to change it or to knowingly keep it

If you give someone the tools by understanding their speech, then they have tools to help themselves — whether they want to justify its use…

Valerie Fridland · 44:00
#linguistics#like#self-improvement