Dr Debra Soh16 March 2026

Why Nobody is Having Sex Anymore (& why it matters) - Dr Debra Soh - #1072

0Frameworks

25Insights

Insights & moments

The myth-busts, hot takes, explainers, and tools worth keeping.

Myth Buster· 6

Myth Buster02:30

It's Not Just Masturbation Replacing Sex — Total Sexual Activity Is Falling

Soh corrects the assumption that declining partnered sex is simply being offset by more masturbation or porn use. Studies on adolescents show lower rates of every category of sexual activity — masturbation, oral sex, partnered sex — meaning the overall amount of sexual activity in society has shrunk, not just shifted.

Studies of adolescent sexuality (with parental consent) show declines across all categories: masturbation, partnered sex, oral sex
It's not that people are substituting masturbation for partnered sex — both are declining
Soh points to endocrine disruptors as one possible biological explanation for the overall decline
Chris Williamson summarizes it as 'the size of the pie has gotten smaller,' not just redistributed

“It's not that people are just preferring masturbation... it seems like there's something else, there's a larger phenomenon.”
Debra Soh · 03:00

“It's that the overall size of the pie has gotten smaller, too. There is less sexual activity happening as an aggregate.”
Chris Williamson · 03:30

#sex-recession#masturbation#adolescents#endocrine-disruptors

Myth Buster45:00

Debra Corrects the 'Law of Fap Entropy'

Chris cites writer Mary Harrington's 'law of fap entropy' — the idea that whatever a person starts masturbating to gets progressively more extreme over time due to habituation. Soh, drawing on her own dissertation research, disputes the mechanism: men who end up watching extreme content usually liked it all along, but were reluctant to admit it to themselves or others, and algorithms just take time to reveal it.

Mary Harrington's 'law of fap entropy': content escalates in extremity due to habituation over time
Soh disagrees with the mechanism: extreme preferences are typically pre-existing, not manufactured by escalation
Men are reluctant to admit unusual preferences even to themselves; algorithms just take time to 'find' it
Soh: it's 'a progressive revealing to yourself of what you wanted,' not progressive habituation

“For guys who end up watching quote extreme stuff, that's actually what they liked all along. It just took them a while to admit it…”
Debra Soh · 45:00

#porn#psychology#myth-busting

Myth Buster46:30

Debra Soh: Porn Isn't an Addiction — It's a Coping Mechanism for Anxiety

Soh pushes back on the popular framing of porn as addictive, arguing existing studies fail to control for confounds like anxiety, procrastination tendencies, and paraphilias. In her clinical conversations, almost every man with a 'porn problem' also has anxiety, and porn functions as an easy way to avoid dealing with underlying issues or talking to a partner rather than as a substance-style addiction.

Soh argues porn addiction studies don't control for anxiety, paraphilias, or procrastination as confounds
In her experience, almost every man with a porn 'problem' also has underlying anxiety
She sees porn use as a poor coping mechanism, not a clinical addiction
She acknowledges she'd change her view if cleaner research emerged showing true addiction

“I don't believe porn is addictive. I think it's a poor coping mechanism for people who have anxiety and who procrastinate.”
Debra Soh · 46:30

#porn#addiction#anxiety#myth-busting

Myth Buster60:00

BDSM/Kink Interest Strongly Correlates With Childhood Physical Abuse, Soh's Data Shows

Drawing on her own research data from her time as a sex researcher, Soh reveals that interest in BDSM and kink correlates more strongly with a history of severe childhood physical abuse than even being convicted of a child sex crime does. She frames this not as moral judgment but as a call for people to examine whether they're using sexual preferences to work through unprocessed trauma rather than seeking therapy.

Soh's own dataset found BDSM/kink interest correlates with childhood physical abuse more strongly than a conviction for child sex crimes
This held for both men and women who are into BDSM/kink compared to community controls
Soh frames this as evolutionarily puzzling — physical pain shouldn't logically correlate with arousal/orgasm
She suggests people may be using kink to unconsciously 'work through' trauma that would be better addressed in therapy

“Interest in BDSM and kink is more correlated with severe physical abuse in childhood... even more so the case than men who are convicted of…”
Debra Soh · 60:00

“Something went wrong with the system... and it's getting wires crossed.”
Chris Williamson / Debra Soh · 61:30

#bdsm#trauma#sexuality#research

Myth Buster112:00

The Birth Rate Crisis Isn't Mothers Having Fewer Kids — It's Fewer Women Becoming Mothers At All

Chris shares research showing the total maternal rate (children per mother) has barely changed over 50 years, moving only from about 2.6 to roughly 2.4. The real driver of falling birth rates is that fewer women are becoming mothers at all — and among women who reach menopause without children, four out of five say it wasn't intentional, a group he argues gets little public advocacy or attention.

Total maternal rate (children per mother) has moved only from ~2.6 to ~2.4-2.45 over 50 years
The birth rate decline is driven mainly by fewer women becoming mothers, not mothers having fewer kids
About 4 in 5 women who reach menopause without children report it as 'involuntary childlessness' — they didn't intend to be childless
About 10% of women can't have children physiologically, and roughly 10% are voluntarily childless

“It is not the big difference is not mothers having fewer children. It's women not becoming mothers.”
Chris Williamson · 112:30

“You have four out of five women who end up without children... didn't intend to be childless. It's called involuntary childlessness.”
Chris Williamson · 113:00

#birth-rates#fertility#involuntary-childlessness#myth-busting

Myth Buster119:00

The '90% of Her Eggs Are Gone' Tweet Was Technically True But Misleading

Chris recounts a widely-criticized old tweet from Stefan Molyneux claiming Taylor Swift had 'lost 90% of her eggs' by turning 30. He fact-checked the underlying claim: the 90% figure is accurate, but it's because half of a woman's lifetime eggs are already gone by puberty, not because of anything specific to age 30 — making the original tweet misleading even though the raw number was correct.

The viral claim that a 30-year-old woman has lost '90% of her eggs' is numerically accurate but misleadingly framed
About 50% of a woman's lifetime egg supply is already gone by the time she reaches puberty
Debra adds that a woman is born with all the eggs she'll ever have, so prenatal exposures can affect three generations of women at once
Chris uses this as an example of how true statistics can still misrepresent reality

“Taylor Swift turned 30 today. 90% of her eggs are gone.”
Chris Williamson (quoting Stefan Molyneux) · 119:00

“Girls lose their eggs before they hit puberty. I think 50% of your lifetime eggs are gone by the time that you become... fertile.”
Chris Williamson · 119:30

#fertility#myth-busting#statistics#womens-health

Hot Take· 2

Hot Take17:30

Soh's Contrarian Take: Scrap DEI to Fix the Dating Market

Soh argues that diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) hiring practices actively penalize men rather than simply lifting up other groups, citing job postings she's seen explicitly excluding men. She frames removing DEI as a lever to close the socioeconomic gap fueling hypergamy-driven dating dysfunction.

Soh claims to have personally seen job postings explicitly stating a role is for a woman/minority only
She argues this 'ruling out white men' happened openly in academia and more discreetly in corporations
She frames rolling back DEI as a way to help men gain socioeconomic access, indirectly easing hypergamy pressure
She anticipates this take will be controversial/unpopular with parts of her professional field

“In terms of hypergamy... I think getting rid of DEI would be one start... because that actively penalizes men, punishes men for no good reason.”
Debra Soh · 17:30

#dei#hypergamy#hot-take#academia

Hot Take38:30

The 'Male Sedation Hypothesis': Why Sexless Young Men Aren't Rioting

Chris introduces his own theory, the 'male sedation hypothesis': historically, high volumes of young sexless men correlated with social unrest and revolution, yet today's record sexlessness among young men hasn't produced comparable antisocial upheaval. He argues screens, video games, porn, and weed are sedating men out of their normal status-seeking and reproductive drive.

Historically, high rates of young sexless men ('young male syndrome') have correlated with anarchy and revolution
Today's record sexlessness among young men hasn't produced a matching rise in antisocial behavior
Chris's theory: screens, video games, porn, and weed are sedating men out of status-seeking and mate-seeking drives
He notes more young men now smoke weed than drink alcohol, reinforcing the 'lethargy' pattern

“It's my belief that men are being sedated out of their status seeking and reproductive seeking behavior through screens, video games, porn.”
Chris Williamson · 39:00

#masculinity#porn#video-games#young-men#hot-take

Explainer· 10

Explainer00:30

1 in 3 Men, 1 in 5 Women Haven't Had Sex in a Year

Debra Soh explains that she started out skeptical that the 'sex recession' was real, but after reviewing multiple data sets she found consistent evidence that a large share of young people are sexless. She frames this as the starting premise of her book, which then investigates what is filling the gap left by declining sex.

Multiple data sets consistently show 1 in 3 men and 1 in 5 women have not had sex in the past 12 months
The decline is concentrated among millennials and Gen Z
Soh was initially skeptical the 'sex recession' was real before reviewing the data herself
Her book Sex Extinction investigates what is replacing sex (porn, OnlyFans, AI companions)

“We see consistently with multiple data sets that one in three men and one in five women have not had sex in the past 12…”
Debra Soh · 00:30

#sex-recession#statistics#gen-z#millennials

Explainer04:00

The Sex Recession Has Been Building Since the '90s

Soh traces the sex recession back roughly 30 years, with the decline tapering off in the 1990s and accelerating sharply in the last 20 years. She points to the internet, smartphones, and social media as major drivers, along with rising political and gender-based hostility that makes people less willing to date each other.

Decline has been documented for ~30 years, starting to taper in the '90s
Most prominent acceleration has been in the last 20 years
COVID made things worse but the trend predated the pandemic
Social media, meant to connect people, seems to have increased political and gender-based division, discouraging dating

“Sadly, social media was supposed to make us more connected, and it's if anything seems to made us more divided.”
Debra Soh · 04:30

#sex-recession#social-media#history#covid

Explainer07:00

The '3-6-9 Rule': Why Some Women's Dating Checklists Are Unrealistic

Soh explains hypergamy — the evolutionary tendency for women to seek partners of equal or higher status — and how online culture has exaggerated it into a rigid checklist (6 feet tall, six-figure income, 6-inch penis) that doesn't actually correlate with relationship success. She argues both sexes have developed unrealistic standards fueled by social media.

Hypergamy is a real, evolutionarily-grounded pattern of women preferring same-or-higher-status partners
The internet has exaggerated it into the '3-6-9 rule' (6ft, six figures, 6-inch penis)
None of those specific criteria actually correlate with relationship or marriage success
Men have also developed unrealistic expectations of women's looks, partly fueled by edited social media images

“If a man does not meet those criteria, he's not considered worthy of your time in, say, the internet dating culture for women.”
Debra Soh · 08:00

“Evolutionary psychology and biology is not prescriptive... it's just basically generalizing... and like anything the internet takes it and just runs away with it.”
Debra Soh · 09:00

#hypergamy#dating#social-media#evolutionary-psychology

Explainer13:30

The 'Tall Girl Problem': Why Successful Women Struggle to Find Partners

Chris explains a concept he calls the 'tall girl problem' (later co-opted and renamed by others): as more women become high-earning and high-achieving, the pool of men who are perceived as equally or more successful shrinks, leaving many accomplished women unable to find a partner they feel attracted to, while a small elite of top men gains disproportionate options.

Rising numbers of high-performing women face a shrinking pool of men seen as socioeconomically 'above' them
The handful of ultra-successful men at the top gain an 'invisibility cloak' effect — average men aren't seen as viable protector/providers
Casual sex with a high-status man can distort a woman's own self-assessed 'mate value,' making future matching harder
A man losing his job doubles his likelihood of divorce; a woman losing her job shows no such effect

“That gives most men this sort of invisibility cloak that means that they're not seen by women as potential protector providers.”
Chris Williamson · 13:30

“There is a difference between what you can get on rent and what you can buy.”
Chris Williamson · 14:30

#hypergamy#dating#socioeconomics#gender-dynamics

Explainer22:30

How the Pill Rewires Female (and Male) Mating Psychology

Soh explains that hormonal birth control halts ovulation, the window when women's sexual interest, provocative dress, and desire to socialize peak — and when men can subconsciously detect fertility cues and engage in more mate-guarding. Blunting this cycle across a large share of women may be altering both female sexual interest and male mating behavior at a population level, and few women are told this when first prescribed the pill.

Only about 11% of US women of childbearing age are on the pill specifically, per CDC data cited
Off the pill, women during ovulation dress more provocatively and are more likely to go out and meet partners
Men can detect ovulation via scent, appearance, and gait, and show more mate-guarding behavior when a non-pill partner is ovulating
Many teenage girls start the pill for non-sexual reasons (skin, cycle regulation) without being told about this side effect
Chris adds that women's attraction to their partner can shift after coming off the pill, sometimes dramatically

“If you're halting that process in a woman or an entire multiple generations of women... men who are into [relationships] will show more mate-guarding behaviors…”
Debra Soh · 24:00

“You should come off the pill and work out if you still like your boyfriend.”
Chris Williamson · 27:00

#birth-control#hormones#mating-psychology#womens-health

Explainer33:30

The Fish Studies Behind Falling Testosterone

Soh describes research on Japanese fish exposed to pharmaceutical waste and water contaminants, which caused lethargy, disrupted courtship behavior, and intersex physical changes. She connects this animal literature to declining human testosterone over the last 40 years, a decline that persists even after researchers control for age, diet, weight, and lifestyle.

Testosterone levels have been declining for ~40 years, worsening in the last 20, even after controlling for diet/exercise/lifestyle
A Japanese fish study found fish exposed to pharmaceutical waste became lethargic, had disrupted courtship, and showed intersex changes
Researchers believe something specific to the modern environment (food, water supply) is driving the trend
Chris connects this to men's testosterone/sex drive dropping when isolated from fertile women

“Researchers have accounted for things like age, diet, weight, exercise, lifestyle choices... and still they say there's something going on here where it is environmental.”
Debra Soh · 33:30

#testosterone#endocrine-disruptors#environment#fertility

Explainer74:00

Boob Jobs, Labiaplasty, and Penis Filler: Gen Z's Porn-Influenced Cosmetic Boom

Soh describes a wave of cosmetic procedures among young people that she ties directly to pornography exposure: breast augmentation and labiaplasty are increasingly common among young women, while young men are getting penile filler injections purely to look better in photos. She also flags very young women (under 30) getting facelifts and buccal fat removal, which paradoxically makes them look older once natural facial fat loss sets in later.

Breast augmentation and labiaplasty are increasingly popular among Gen Z women, which Soh links to porn influence
Men are getting penile filler injections largely for photos/sexting, not real-life encounters
Women under 30 are increasingly getting facelifts and upper-eye lifts despite lacking visible aging signs
Buccal fat removal in young women removes 'baby fat,' but later natural facial fat loss can leave them looking gaunt, requiring filler to compensate

“It is breast augmentation for Gen Z women... I do think that's influenced by pornography.”
Debra Soh · 74:00

“Guys are getting filler injections into their penis for even sexting purposes. Like they just want to look better.”
Debra Soh · 74:30

#plastic-surgery#gen-z#porn#body-image

Explainer86:00

The Study That Blows Up 'Looksmaxing': Formidability Beats Attractiveness for Predicting Sexual Success

Chris cites David Puts' research where women rated men's attractiveness from photos and men separately rated the same men's fighting formidability. A year later, researchers checked the men's actual sexual success: female attractiveness ratings had almost zero predictive power, while male formidability ratings strongly predicted it — suggesting 'looksmaxing' trends may be driven by intrasexual competition with other men, not what women actually find attractive.

Women rated photographed men for attractiveness; men separately rated the same photos for perceived fighting ability ('formidability')
One year later, researchers surveyed the men's actual sexual success over that period
Female attractiveness ratings had near-zero correlation with real sexual success
Male formidability ratings were strongly predictive, suggesting looksmaxing trends (jaw, brow, height) target other men's respect, not female attraction

“The female ratings of attractiveness had basically zero predictive power for their sexual success, but the male ratings of formidability were very predictive.”
Chris Williamson · 86:30

#looksmaxing#attractiveness#evolutionary-psychology#research

Explainer101:00

Inside the Sex Doll Market: Who's Buying and Why

Soh shares data from her research into sex dolls and robots, including a company reporting $20 million in sales during the pandemic. She profiles the typical buyer as a high-school-educated man earning around $40K a year, often heartbroken, divorced, or unable to attract real-life partners, with prices ranging from a few hundred to tens of thousands of dollars.

One sex doll company reported $20 million in sales during the pandemic
Typical buyers are mostly high-school-educated men earning roughly $40K/year, though some six-figure earners also buy them
Prices range from a couple hundred dollars to tens of thousands depending on realism
Buyers are often heartbroken, divorced, or lack the means/confidence to attract real partners
Robots remain limited in movement (hip gyration, internal suction) compared to stationary dolls, but AI software integration is already technically possible

“During the pandemic one company told me they made $20 million in sales, which is astronomical.”
Debra Soh · 101:30

#sex-dolls#technology#loneliness

Explainer103:30

People Are Falling in Love With Their AI Chatbots

Soh describes testing dozens of AI companion apps for her book and being surprised at how realistic and emotionally convincing they are, including realistic voice interaction and flirtation. She notes that when platforms remove erotic role-play features (as happened with a ChatGPT model), users report devastation comparable to social rejection, and cites a Pew study that over half of single people aren't interested in dating at all.

Soh made dozens of AI companions across multiple platforms while researching her book and found them highly realistic in text and voice
When platforms remove erotic roleplay capability, users report feeling devastated, comparing it to social rejection ('my AI doesn't remember me anymore')
A Pew study cited found over half of single people are not interested in dating at all
Soh expresses concern that AI companions may deepen the disconnect already caused by dating-app fatigue and sex ratio imbalances

“People do fall in love with their AI chatbots. And I before I tested them out, I didn't think such a thing would be possible.”
Debra Soh · 103:30

“There's a study by Pew showing that over half of single people are not interested in dating at all.”
Debra Soh · 104:30

#ai-companions#loneliness#technology#dating

Story· 2

Story09:30

Chris's Soho House Pool 'Field Research' on What Women Actually Want

Chris shares an anecdote about observing well-off, attractive women at the Soho House pool and never once hearing penis size come up as a dealbreaker, contrasting internet mating discourse with real-world conversations. He cites data suggesting a 6-inch erect penis is already in the 97th percentile, undercutting the online narrative that women demand far larger.

Chris says women at Soho House complain about emotional immaturity and lack of commitment, not penis size
Data cited (Mack and Murphy) suggests a 6-inch erect penis is roughly the 97th percentile
Most women say they want a 6-inch penis; most men think women want 7 inches and underestimate their own size
The average penis is cited as 5 inches

“They have never said, 'Oh, it's because of the size of some guy's penis.'”
Chris Williamson · 10:00

“Most women say they want a 6-inch penis. Most men think women want a 7-inch penis.”
Chris Williamson · 10:30

#dating#mating-psychology#hypergamy#anecdote

Story29:00

Why 'Cinnamon Roll Husband' Romance Covers Flopped

Chris recounts working in the romance-novel cover industry and watching publishers try to put soft, non-dominant 'cinnamon roll husband' or 'golden retriever husband' protagonists on covers post-50 Shades of Grey — expecting them to sell well given stated preferences for gentler men. The books flopped, illustrating that women say they want softer men but don't actually desire that in fantasy or in practice.

Publishers tried 'cinnamon roll husband' cover models — soft, reliable, non-dominant — expecting a hit after 50 Shades of Grey
The books sold poorly compared to expectations, unlike the post-50-Shades boom that was expected
Both Chris and Debra argue women will publicly endorse dialed-back masculinity but don't embody that preference in real partner choice
Debra ties this to birth control potentially shaping preference for 'nurturing caretaker' partners

“It's a view that they'll endorse that men should dial back their dominance... but it's not one that they will embody.”
Chris Williamson · 30:00

“What does your husband do? Oh, he's a hedge fund manager. Oh, fantastic.”
Chris Williamson · 30:30

#romance-novels#masculinity#dating-preferences#publishing

Q&A· 1

Q&A05:00

67% of Gen Z Would Rather Sleep Than Have Sex

Chris reads out a rapid-fire list of sexlessness statistics and Soh reacts to each, noting the trend has been consistent since a landmark 2016 study. She links the pattern to widespread anxiety and depression among Gen Z, arguing that mental exhaustion and fear of rejection are pushing people toward easier substitutes for connection.

1 in 8 26-year-olds are virgins; 24% had no sex in the past year, roughly double the 2010 rate
37% of adults have weekly sex, down from 55% in 1990; 48% of married couples had no sex in the past month
A 2016 study first showed 67% of Gen Z would prioritize sleep over sex, a finding since replicated repeatedly
Half of Gen Z has a diagnosed mental disorder, and 90% of those have anxiety, making dating feel too risky/exhausting

“Survey of Gen Z found 67% would prioritize a good night's sleep over sex.”
Chris Williamson · 06:00

“If you're anxious and depressed, your last thing you're going to want to do is go out and meet people... I'd rather just stay at…”
Debra Soh · 07:00

#gen-z#statistics#mental-health#sexlessness

Tool· 2

Tool93:30

Roy Baumeister's Advice: Titrate Sexual Novelty as Slowly as Possible

Chris recommends Roy Baumeister's Substack series on sexual novelty, sharing a therapy anecdote where a couple in their 60s/70s hadn't varied their sex life in five decades — introducing something as simple as manual stimulation had a huge effect because novelty had been so constrained. Baumeister's core advice for long-term couples: deliberately stretch out sexual novelty over years or decades rather than exhausting it early.

Roy Baumeister (creator of the original marshmallow test) is writing a Substack series on sexual novelty in long-term relationships
Anecdote: a couple married decades had never tried manual stimulation; introducing it reignited excitement because novelty had been so limited
Core advice: 'move as slowly as possible' through stages of sexual novelty in a committed relationship, since novelty is a finite resource
Chris frames it as respecting male neurobiology; Baumeister has yet to publish the female-focused treatment

“If you're like, 'This is the chick for me,' okay, move as slowly as possible through the different stages of doing things because there is…”
Chris Williamson · 96:00

#relationships#sexual-novelty#long-term-marriage#recommended-reading

Tool125:30

Book: Sex Extinction by Dr. Debra Soh

Debra Soh points listeners to her book Sex Extinction: The Decline of Sex and the Future of Intimacy, which covers the topics discussed in the episode (porn, OnlyFans, AI companions, birth control, plastic surgery, sex dolls). She notes the audiobook, which she narrates herself, is available for free on Audible.

Book title: Sex Extinction: The Decline of Sex and the Future of Intimacy
Available via Simon & Schuster's website, drdeborahso.com, and wherever books are sold
Audiobook is narrated by Debra Soh herself and available free on Audible

“You should get Sex Distinction, The Decline of Sex and the Future of Intimacy... the audiobook is read by me, and you can get it…”
Debra Soh · 125:30

#book-recommendation#debra-soh

Takeaway· 2

Takeaway122:00

Soh's Advice for Women: Smile, Show Receptivity, Let Men Approach

Soh gives practical dating advice for women, centered on making interest visibly obvious since men are wired to respond to nonverbal receptivity cues. She cites brain research showing a specific region (medial orbitofrontal cortex) lights up more strongly for smiling attractive faces, and recommends practicing smiling in the mirror if it doesn't come naturally.

Soh recommends women meet people in real life rather than exclusively on apps/social media
She advises men should be the ones to approach, but women should signal interest clearly (smiling, touching hair/face/neck)
The medial orbitofrontal cortex lights up when seeing an attractive face, and even more strongly when that face is smiling
She suggests practicing smiling in the mirror for women who default to a neutral/serious resting expression

“I guarantee you, if you see a man you find attractive and you smile at him, he will come and talk to you.”
Debra Soh · 122:30

#dating-advice#women#body-language

Takeaway124:30

Soh's Advice for Men: Fix Diet, Exercise, and Try 30 Days Without Porn

Soh's advice for struggling young men centers on lifestyle basics — diet, exercise, sunlight — citing a study where a third of depressed participants went into remission within 12 weeks simply by cutting ultra-processed food. She also recommends a 30-day break from porn as a low-cost experiment men might be surprised by, despite noting she doesn't think porn is a clinical addiction.

A cited study found roughly a third of a depressed sample went into remission within 12 weeks after cutting ultra-processed food
Soh recommends going to the gym, eating well, and getting sunshine as baseline mental health interventions
She suggests men try a 30-day break from porn and see if it improves motivation, despite not viewing porn as addictive
She frames this as a practical experiment rather than a moral prescription

“Within 12 weeks, a third of the sample that had depression [went] into remission on its own.”
Debra Soh · 124:30

“If you can go without porn for 30 days, try and see if that helps you. You might be surprised at your motivation.”
Debra Soh · 125:00

#mens-health#porn#mental-health#dating-advice