The 20-Then-3 Non-Negotiables
List 20 wants, keep the top 3, negotiate the rest
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 80%
Adapted from a Warren Buffett prioritization exercise, this method forces you to distinguish your true non-negotiables from your merely-nice-to-haves. You write out twenty things you want, rank them, then cross out everything except the top three. Those three become your floor: requirements that must be met. Everything else is explicitly up for negotiation and compromise. Manson uses it to break single friends out of the 'infinite options' delusion, the false belief that a partner ticking all twenty boxes both exists and is attainable. The mechanism is that a bloated requirement list mathematically guarantees you reject everyone, while a floor of three lets you evaluate real people on what actually matters. It reframes 'settling' as the universal, unavoidable act of choosing what to compromise on.
Origin
Manson attributes the exercise to a Warren Buffett story about writing 20 goals, ranking them, and crossing out all but the top few. He now hands the version to his single friends to cure their endless requirement lists.
Core principles
- 01Everybody settles on something; the only choice is what
- 02The perception of infinite options is an illusion
- 03A long requirement list guarantees rejection of everyone
- 04Non-negotiables are your floor, not your ceiling
- 05You optimize by subtraction, not addition
How to run it
- 1
Dump 20 wants
Write out twenty things you want in a partner (or any high-stakes choice) without filtering.
- 2
Rank them
Order the list from most important to least important, forcing real trade-offs between items you claim to care about.
- 3
Cross out all but three
Strike everything below the top three. Those three become your non-negotiables; the rest are now officially negotiable.
Pro tip Keep the crossed-out items visible so you can see how much you are choosing to negotiate on.
Watch out The goal is a floor nothing falls below, not a ceiling every trait must hit.
- 4
Negotiate the rest
Evaluate real people against your three, and consciously accept trade-offs on everything else instead of rejecting on a single missed item.
In the wild
Manson describes friends with a long checklist and a false sense of infinite options who, the moment a date fails one qualification, say 'next' and move on. Years later they are still single and baffled. He gives them the 20-then-3 exercise to force them to identify three real non-negotiables and negotiate the rest.
→ Cutting the list to three exposes that 'I don't want to settle' really means refusing to admit that everyone settles on something.
Common mistakes
Refusing to settle on anything
Insisting a partner satisfy all twenty items ignores that everyone compromises on something and guarantees perpetual rejection.
Turning the three into a ceiling
Using the exercise to hold out for someone who exceeds every trait, rather than as a floor nothing falls below, defeats its purpose.
Is it for you?
Best for
Serial rejecters who believe there is a perfect option that ticks every box out there waiting for them.
Not ideal for
Someone facing a genuinely low-stakes choice where deep prioritization is overkill.
From the transcript
“you write out a list of 20 things that you want in your life. Put them in order from the thing that's most important to…”
“find your three non-negotiables and then negotiate on the rest.”
From the episode
21 Harsh Truths About Why You’re Still Lost - Mark Manson - #1096
Mark Manson