Ask What Did You Hear
Fix miscommunication by checking what was received, not what was sent
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 76%
Fisher's core communication myth is that 'what is sent is what is received.' When a talk keeps derailing, arguing 'that's not what I said' just entrenches the miscommunication. Instead you ask 'what did you hear?' and have the other person replay their interpretation, which surfaces the exact point where your message fractured. Then you repair only that fracture, piece by piece, rather than re-delivering the whole thing louder. A companion move is watching for absolutes — 'you always,' 'you never' — which signal the person has left the actual conversation and is running an old childhood script; that is the cue to slow down and ask 'what's coming up for you?' Williamson reframes it as an 'invited steel man': you ask them to restate your best meaning so any distortion becomes visible and correctable.
Origin
Fisher draws this from his own marriage and courtroom work on how identical words are received differently. Extracted from Modern Wisdom.
Core principles
- 01The biggest myth is that what is sent is what is received
- 02Absolutes like 'always' and 'never' signal an old script, not the real point
- 03Find the exact breaking point before re-explaining
- 04Invite the other person to replay your message back
How to run it
- 1
Check your framing first
Ask whether you gave the takeaway up front or buried it in the footnotes. A buried lead is the most common source of miscommunication.
- 2
Ask 'what did you hear?'
Instead of 'that's not what I said,' ask them to explain what they received. This locates the actual breaking point.
Watch out Insisting on your intent just pushes the miscommunication deeper.
- 3
Repair piece by piece
When they replay a distortion, isolate it — 'okay, that right there, that's not my intent' — and fix only that fracture.
- 4
Surface the emotion
If they slip into 'always/never' absolutes, they are on an old script. Ask 'what's coming up for you?' to bring the real feeling to light.
Pro tip Absolutes are a clear sign they are not engaged with what you actually said.
In the wild
Fisher describes a recurring pattern with his wife: 'You said this.' 'I didn't say that.' 'Yes you did.' Both are certain, and the argument goes nowhere. Instead of relitigating what was said, he switches to 'what did you hear?' She explains her interpretation, he spots the exact word that landed wrong, and says 'that right there — that's not at all my intent, that's where we're going wrong.' The fix is diagnostic, not defensive: find the fracture, then repair only that.
→ A stuck he-said-she-said loop resolves into a specific, correctable misunderstanding.
Common mistakes
Defending your intent
Repeating 'that's not what I said' entrenches the miscommunication instead of locating where the message actually broke.
Missing the absolutes cue
When someone reaches for 'always' and 'never,' they've left the conversation for an old script; pressing your point ignores the real signal.
Is it for you?
Best for
Recurring misunderstandings between partners, colleagues, or anyone talking past each other.
Not ideal for
Situations where the disagreement is about facts, not interpretation.
From the transcript
“The biggest myth in communication is what is sent is what is received.”
“If I can ask the question, what did you hear? ... You get to stop. Okay, that right there. That's not at all my intent.”
From the episode
How To Have The Hardest Conversations Of Your Life - Jefferson Fisher - #1093
Jefferson Fisher