The Best Man Toast: Three Rules for Lasting Love
Keep a relationship healthy with affection, no scorecard, and never cold or hungry
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 3
- Confidence
- 72%
Galloway gives the same best-man toast every time, distilling where he learned and where he screwed up. Rule one: always express affection and sexual interest, because women want to be wanted; even holding hands you don't especially enjoy signals 'I choose you.' Rule two, the biggest unlock, is to put away the scorecard. Relationships are transactions of currency and cadence, but because we naturally inflate our own contribution and diminish our partner's, keeping score guarantees unhappiness. Instead decide what kind of partner, parent and friend you want to be, and live to that regardless of what you get back, without becoming a doormat. Rule three is never let a woman be cold or hungry, because most of his blowups happened in those states, when true but especially harsh things get said. The rules target affection, resentment and physiology, the three quiet killers of partnership.
Origin
Scott Galloway's recurring best-man toast, drawn from his own relationship failures, including resentment toward an absent father he cared for late in life.
Core principles
- 01Women want to be wanted, so affection and desire must be expressed continuously
- 02Keeping score of contributions guarantees chronic unhappiness because we inflate our own share
- 03Relationships are transactions of currency and cadence, but scorekeeping poisons them
- 04Decide what kind of partner you want to be and live to that, independent of their contribution
- 05Small physical states like cold and hunger trigger disproportionate conflict
How to run it
- 1
Always express affection and sexual interest
Continuously signal desire and closeness. Even a small gesture like holding your partner's hand on the walk home communicates 'I choose you,' which women especially value.
Pro tip Do the affectionate thing even when you're indifferent to it; she likes it more than you do.
- 2
Put away the scorecard
Stop tracking who gives more. Because you'll naturally inflate your own contribution and shrink theirs, scorekeeping makes you perpetually resentful. Decide instead what kind of partner you want to be and live to it.
Pro tip Accept that whole stretches, even years, where you give more than you get can still be okay.
Watch out Don't swing to the opposite extreme and become a doormat; you can still shed a relationship that truly isn't working.
- 3
Never let a woman be cold or hungry
Manage the physical states that trigger outsized conflict. Keep warmth and food on hand, because most serious blowups happen when someone is cold or hungry and the harsh things said land especially hard.
Pro tip Carry a pashmina and a power bar so you can defuse the state before it detonates.
In the wild
Galloway grew resentful caring for his father in old age, feeling he was the better son to a man who hadn't been present. The unlock was deciding to put away the scorecard: instead of tallying contributions, he chose what kind of son, partner and friend he wanted to be and lived to that standard regardless of what came back. The resentment eased once the scorekeeping stopped.
→ Removing the scorecard converted a resentful obligation into a chosen role he could live with.
Common mistakes
Keeping a running scorecard
Because everyone overweights their own contribution, tallying effort against a partner's leaves you permanently feeling shortchanged.
Withholding everyday affection
Skipping small gestures of desire and closeness starves a partner of the feeling of being wanted, which quietly corrodes the bond.
Negotiating during cold or hunger
Serious conversations while a partner is cold or hungry invite disproportionately harsh conflict that could have been avoided by managing the physical state first.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone in or entering a committed relationship who wants durable partnership over short-term sparks.
Not ideal for
People whose problem is being walked over rather than keeping score or withholding affection.
From the transcript
“Put away the scorecard... you're naturally going to inflate your own contribution to the relationship and diminish theirs.”
“Never let a woman be cold or hungry. The majority of the blowups I've had with women have been when they're cold or hungry.”
“Always express affection and sexual interest. I think women want to be wanted.”
From the episode
How to Fix a Culture of Emasculated Men - Scott Galloway - #1013
Scott Galloway