Courtship Over Dating: The First-Date Vetting Method
Lay everything you want on the table upfront and vet for secure attachment
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 68%
Smith contrasts dating (spinning your wheels, sex with people you barely care about) with courtship (declaring genuine long-term interest and intent). The method inverts what detached people do: instead of hiding who you are to earn approval, you put your identity, mission and criteria on the table on the first date and ask the other person to do the same. Their ability to open up confidently is itself a test for secure attachment, and your willingness to do it demonstrates yours. Sex is deferred, and real commitment waits until you have watched the person navigate a crisis, because people only reveal themselves when things are out of their control.
Origin
From Adam Lane Smith's video course on turning a first date into a wife, and his own experience: engaged two weeks after meeting, married eleven months later, together twelve years.
Core principles
- 01Securely attached people court; they do not aimlessly date
- 02Full self-disclosure early is a signal of secure attachment, not weakness
- 03The first date should chase down long-term compatibility, not entertainment
- 04How someone handles a crisis reveals who they really are
How to run it
- 1
Lead with full self-disclosure
On the first date, lay out who you are, your beliefs, your mission in life, and the kind of partner you are looking for.
Pro tip You do not need a perfect 50-year plan, just the honesty to say where you are aiming.
- 2
Ask them to do the same
Invite the other person to share who they are and what they want, and watch whether they can open up fully and confidently.
Pro tip The ability to have this conversation openly signals secure attachment in both directions.
Watch out Inability to open up is a red flag for attachment issues, in them and worth checking in yourself.
- 3
Surface deal-breakers immediately
Raise big compatibility questions such as wanting children on the first date rather than discovering incompatibility years later.
Pro tip That is what dinner is for: chase down compatibilities, not entertainment.
- 4
Do not have sex on the first date
Defer sex; a partner who jumps into it quickly may have weaker boundaries or a shakier sense of self-worth.
Watch out Smith frames this as a tendency to be aware of, not a hard judgement on any individual.
- 5
Watch them through a crisis before committing
Stay engaged long enough to see how they act when things are outside their control, since that is when character shows.
Pro tip Smith stayed engaged a full year specifically to watch each other handle crises.
In the wild
At 22, Smith met his future wife and, within two weeks, they had worked through what each wanted, their religious beliefs, convictions, principles and life aims. It clicked, so they got engaged, then stayed engaged a full year to watch each other through crises before marrying at eleven months. Twelve years and three children later, the marriage holds.
→ Fast, honest vetting produced a durable long-term marriage.
Common mistakes
Hiding who you are to earn approval
Concealing your goals and intentions is what detached people do; it signals you do not trust the other person and prevents real vetting.
Drifting for years with no commitment conversation
Staying together six years without discussing marriage or children risks discovering fundamental incompatibility far too late.
Is it for you?
Best for
People seeking a long-term marriage-track partner who want to filter fast.
Not ideal for
Anyone explicitly seeking casual dating with no long-term intent.
From the transcript
“You put it all out there. You say, here's who I am. Here's what I want, here's my mission in life. Here's the kind of…”
“You don't really know who someone is until they go through a crisis. And you vet them that way.”
From the episode
15 Harsh Psychology Truths - Adam Lane Smith - #310
Adam Lane Smith