Earning Security by Re-internalizing Safe People
Rewire an insecure attachment by repeatedly taking in attuned, non-judgmental people
- Difficulty
- Expert
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 7
- Confidence
- 68%
Attachment styles form in the first ~18 months when a caregiver co-regulates the infant's nervous system; poor attunement leaves an anxious base that can't self-soothe. Baum's mechanism is re-internalization: by repeatedly spending time with attuned, accepting people, the nervous system registers 'they care, they're not judging me,' and eventually internalizes that person as an inner resource. In regressed states the person can then access that internalized voice ('what would they say to me?'). Re-experiencing dysregulated moments in the presence of safety lays down new neural pathways alongside the old, well-worn anxious ones. Over time, with repetition and self-compassion, the new pathways become accessible options. The goal is interdependency, the felt trust that you can depend on others and be fully yourself, not the self-sufficient independence culture prizes.
Origin
Drawn from attachment theory and polyvagal theory (Stephen Porges) as synthesized by Jessica Baum, who healed her own codependency by learning to depend on the right people and taught the method in Anxiously Attached.
Core principles
- 01You cannot think your way out of an attachment style, but you can earn your way to security
- 02Wounding happens in relationship and healing happens in relationship
- 03New neural pathways are laid down, never by cutting off the old ones
- 04A secure person carries the felt sense of safe others inside them
- 05Interdependency, not independence, is the biological goal
How to run it
- 1
Recognize the repeating pattern
Awareness comes first: notice that the same intense reaction recurs across relationships and that its size signals developmental origin, not just the present moment.
Pro tip If the sensation is big, there's a good chance you've felt this way before, even if you can't recall when.
- 2
Bring the pain to a safe other
Instead of projecting all the pain onto your partner, bring it to a therapist, coach, or non-judgmental friend who can help you make sense of it.
Watch out A friend who pours gasoline by demonizing your partner blocks the healing rather than helping it.
- 3
Trace the sensation to its origin
Follow the felt sensation back to earlier wounding. The more you connect a present reaction to its root, the more integration happens in the brain.
- 4
Spend time with attuned people
Deliberately spend enough time with people who attune to you, don't judge, and accept you, so your nervous system starts to recognize their safety.
Pro tip Pick relationships that are more forgiving, such as a securer partner or a steady friend, so your patterns can surface without setting off the other person.
- 5
Re-experience dysregulation in safety
Let the old dysregulated moments arise while in the presence of safe, healthy people, which is what actually rewires the brain toward earned security.
- 6
Access the internalized person when regressed
In a regressed state, deliberately recall the felt sense of the most nurturing person in your life, asking 'if they were here, what would they say?' to remind yourself you are not alone.
Pro tip Even one strongly nurturing memory can be re-accessed and strengthened over time.
- 7
Practice the new pathway with compassion
Repeatedly choose the new, harder pathway, and give yourself compassion when stress sends you back to the old, well-worn one. Repetition is what makes the new path accessible.
Watch out Under enough stress you will default to the most well-worn pathway; that is expected, not failure.
In the wild
Baum notes that clients going through a hard time will sometimes call her in the moment because she has become their safe internalized person, or will ask themselves 'if Jessica were in the room, what would she say?' Over enough repetitions, they access that steady, caring voice on their own even when she isn't present.
→ The client begins to self-soothe by drawing on an internalized secure presence, evidence they are earning their way toward security.
Common mistakes
Trying to heal entirely on your own
The independence-culture belief that you must do it alone deepens the wound; healing requires community and mirrors.
Expecting a single peak experience to fix it
A psychedelic trip or one meditation can open a door to possibility but cannot rewire ingrained pathways without slow, repeated practice.
Is it for you?
Best for
Someone whose insecure patterns keep recurring and who is ready to heal slowly through safe relationships over time.
Not ideal for
Anyone seeking a fast, one-session fix or trying to heal entirely in isolation.
From the transcript
“you can't think your way out of attachment style but i talk about it in my book you can earn your way to earn security”
“it's actually in the re-internalization of healthy people and the re-experiencing of these dysregulated moments in the presence of safety and healthy people that we…”
“wounding happens in relationship healing happens in relationship we need community to heal we need mirrors to heal”
From the episode
How To Deal With Being Anxiously Attached - Jessica Baum - #489
Jessica Baum