The Empowerment Mindset (Yes-And)
Acknowledge what happened to you and assert the agency to rise above it
- Difficulty
- Advanced
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 72%
Kaufman's core move from Rise Above is an improv-style 'yes and'. Instead of denial ('this didn't happen to me') or identification ('this is the most important thing about me'), you say: yes, something terrible happened AND I have the reservoirs of resiliency to move forward with meaning. The mechanism reframes the self-story so pain no longer displaces potential. A victim mindset — blaming external circumstances, refusing responsibility for reactions, ruminating on past victimization, fixating on revenge over solutions — is treated as a dynamic state everyone drifts into, not a fixed label. The antidote is to keep both halves of the sentence: acknowledge the hurt fully, then reclaim agency over what you do next. It is practiced continuously across everyday friction, not achieved once.
Origin
Developed by psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman for his book Rise Above, drawing on Irvin Yalom's existential therapy and his own decade studying vulnerable narcissism.
Core principles
- 01A victim mindset is independent of real victimization — you can have one without the other
- 02Blaming all your problems on others strips you of your own agency
- 03Suffering is not a competition; validating pain and believing in potential are not opposites
- 04Your past is not your prison — ruminating never changes what happened
- 05Both truths can be held at once: this happened to me AND I can move forward
How to run it
- 1
Acknowledge the hurt without minimizing
Say plainly that a real and painful thing happened to you. Do not deny it or downplay it — validation of the felt experience comes first.
Pro tip Give up all hope for a better past first; ruminating on it changes nothing.
- 2
Add the 'and'
Complete the sentence with agency: '...and I have the resiliency to move forward with meaning and purpose.' The 'and' is where empowerment lives.
Pro tip Treat it like the improv rule 'yes, and' — you never negate, you build.
Watch out Stopping at the first half ('so much has happened to me') is exactly the trap.
- 3
Reclaim responsibility for your reactions
Separate what happened (outside your control) from how you respond (inside it). Past trauma never licenses being an asshole to others.
Watch out Watch for outsourcing blame to the two default targets: your mother and your ex.
- 4
Check for identity fusion
Ask whether you have made this hurt the core of your identity. Any trait — even sensitivity or hard work — can become the center of a victim identity.
Pro tip Reframe the trait as the thing that enables the rest of you, not the thing holding you back.
- 5
Move toward meaning
Pick one concrete action aligned with purpose. The point is not to feel better instantly but to act in the direction of the life you want.
Pro tip Do with what you have, whatever hand you were dealt.
In the wild
Kaufman describes his friend Tom Nash, who lost his limbs to meningococcal disease and lives with two hooks. Nash refuses the victim label — 'I love these hooks,' he says, rolling up in style. He is genuinely, severely victimized by circumstance, yet holds no victim mindset. The example demonstrates Kaufman's core claim: a victim mindset is independent of actual victimization. The hardship is real and acknowledged; the identity built around it is a separate, optional choice.
→ Same objective hardship, radically different life — agency preserved despite real loss.
Kaufman uses a mundane test: standing in a long, slow line at Starbucks. The victim move is 'don't they know how bad my day is? I deserve to be at the front.' The empowerment move is remembering everyone else in the line is probably also having a hard day. He argues that every hour of the day offers this fork — choose the victim frame or the empowerment frame — so the practice is trained on small friction, not just major trauma.
→ Everyday irritations become reps for reclaiming agency instead of grievance.
Common mistakes
Stopping at the first half of the sentence
People say 'so much has happened to me' and never reach the '...and I can rise above it.' The 'and' is the entire mechanism.
Confusing validation with agreement to stay stuck
Acknowledging real suffering is required, but pure validation without belief in the person's higher potential leaves them fused to the wound.
Making a trait the core of your victim identity
Even good traits — sensitivity, conscientiousness, grit — get weaponized into 'this is why I can't.' Any aspect of personality can be turned into a cage.
Is it for you?
Best for
Introspective, self-aware people who catch themselves sliding toward a victim narrative about their past.
Not ideal for
Someone in acute crisis who first needs safety and validation before any call to agency.
From the transcript
“I really love improv, like yes and the game, where you say, Yes, I've had something terrible happen to me, and I got this.”
“a victim mindset is independent of victimization. You can have real victimization and not harness a victim mindset about it.”
“When you blame all your problems on someone else, you are stripping yourself of your agency.”
From the episode
How To Not Let Your Past Define You - Scott Barry Kaufman - #947
Scott Barry Kaufman