Every Marriage Has a Prenup
Broach a prenup as a mutual safety conversation, not an act of distrust
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 66%
Sexton's reframe is that a prenup is not distrust but a rule set, and that everyone already has one: either the contract two people write for themselves or the default written by the government, which the government can change at any time without notice. His method for broaching it moves in phases. First, normalise and temperature-check by discussing a public couple ('I wonder if they have a prenup'), reading how your partner reacts, including their silence. Then move into the big life questions, kids, geography, aging parents, of which the prenup is one. Finally, deliver it not as protection against them but as mutual safety: 'what do you need to feel safe in this relationship?' Because you cannot feel truly loved without feeling safe, the conversation itself, held while goodwill is highest, becomes as valuable as its outcome.
Origin
James Sexton, a 25-year divorce lawyer who has drafted thousands of prenups, built the approach around his mission to normalise the phrase 'every marriage has a prenup.'
Core principles
- 01Every married person already has a prenup, written by them or the state
- 02A prenup is simply the rule set for how a marriage ends
- 03You can't feel genuinely loved if you don't feel safe
- 04The worst time to learn the rules is during the divorce
How to run it
- 1
Reframe what a prenup is
Establish that a prenup is just the rule set governing how a marriage ends, and that everyone has one, written by the two people or by the state on their behalf.
Pro tip The line 'every marriage has a prenup' turns a loaded ask into a neutral fact.
- 2
Temperature-check indirectly
Raise a celebrity couple and wonder aloud whether they have a prenup, then read your partner's reaction, or their pointed silence.
Pro tip Their instinctive response tells you where the conversation can safely go next.
- 3
Open the big life questions
Move into the real questions a couple should discuss before marrying, kids, where to live, aging parents, and place the prenup among them rather than isolating it.
Pro tip Framing it as one of several life questions keeps it from feeling like an accusation.
- 4
Lead with mutual safety
Deliver the ask as care, not defence: acknowledge either of you could hurt the other, and ask what each needs to feel safe if things ended.
Pro tip 'I want to protect you from people who hurt you, even if that's me' turns self-protection into shared protection.
Watch out Presenting it purely as guarding your own assets triggers exactly the distrust you want to avoid.
- 5
Have it while goodwill is highest
Hold the conversation when you are most optimistic about each other, not in a crisis, so the openness itself strengthens the bond.
Pro tip The couples who can have this conversation are the ones least likely to need it.
Watch out The worst time to learn the legal rules of divorce is in a lawyer's office during one.
In the wild
Sexton describes an asymmetric couple, a wealthy finance partner and a yoga teacher. Rather than demanding protection, the wealthier partner names the real stakes: if they split, he doesn't want to be stripped of everything, and she doesn't want to fall so far behind that her diminished lifetime earning capacity leaves her unable to catch up. Framed as 'how do we both feel safe?', the conversation lets each name a fair need instead of fighting over entitlement.
→ Both partners articulate what safety looks like, turning a taboo negotiation into a bonding conversation.
Common mistakes
Framing it as self-protection
Presenting a prenup as guarding your own assets against your partner confirms their fear that it signals distrust and often blows up the relationship.
Waiting until the wedding is imminent
Springing the topic under deadline pressure removes goodwill and turns a safety conversation into a coercive ultimatum.
Is it for you?
Best for
Couples with meaningful asset or earning-capacity asymmetry who want an honest pre-marriage conversation.
Not ideal for
Coercive situations where one party pressures the other into unfair terms under a deadline.
From the transcript
“Everyone has a prenup. Everyone, every person who's married has a prenup. It's either one that was written by the government... or it's a contract…”
“To me, you can't feel loved if you don't feel safe... And I think a prenup is about how do we both feel safe?”
From the episode
Marriage Lessons from Divorce Court - James Sexton - #1059
James Sexton