Find the Want Beneath the Should
Convert dead 'should' fuel into the living 'want' that drives real change
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 79%
Hudson argues change never comes from forcing; the more you force yourself to change, the less it happens, because shoulds and shame are designed to stop behaviour, not motivate it. Real change comes from wants, the same way a toddler goes from crawling to walking. The method: take a stubborn 'should,' find the want inside it, and keep drilling to the deeper want ('I should go to the gym' to 'I want to be attractive' to 'I want to be loved / feel good'). Once you reach the real want, a narrow doorway becomes many: feeling good could be the gym, pickleball, salsa, hiking, or friends. You then experiment broadly to discover what you genuinely enjoy, and follow the want that burns without needing to be forced.
Origin
A behaviour-change method Joe Hudson teaches and has applied to his own life through Art of Accomplishment.
Core principles
- 01Shoulds are dirty fuel meant to stop behaviour, not start it
- 02Wants and desire are a far more efficient fuel than shoulds
- 03Forcing yourself to change makes the change less likely
- 04Every should has a want hidden inside it
- 05Naming the deeper want opens many doors where the should was one narrow doorway
How to run it
- 1
Catch the should
Identify a repeated 'I should' that has stayed unchanged for years despite effort: work out more, stop smoking, run a bigger business.
Watch out Shoulds you've carried for a decade are the clearest signal the fuel isn't working.
- 2
Drill to the real want
Ask what you want underneath the should, then keep asking. 'Should go to gym' becomes 'want to be skinny' becomes 'want to be attractive/loved/feel good.'
- 3
Open the doorway
Once you have the deep want, list many ways to meet it rather than the single original should. Feeling good has dozens of paths.
- 4
Experiment widely
Try many options in a short window to find what you actually enjoy, then follow that. Enjoyment removes the need for motivation.
Pro tip Hudson tried 20 forms of exercise in a month and found pickleball he'd call friends to play.
In the wild
Hudson wanted to go from not working out to working out. Instead of saying 'I should go to the gym,' he asked what 20 things he genuinely wanted to experiment with, from pickleball to salsa dancing, and did all 20 within a month. He discovered he loved pickleball so much he started calling friends to play. The exercise happened with no motivation required, because it had become something he wanted to do rather than something he forced.
→ A years-long unmet 'should' became a self-sustaining habit once reframed as a want and explored.
Common mistakes
Agreeing with the 'should' voice
Hearing the head say 'should' and forcing compliance uses shame as fuel, which is designed to stop behaviour and rarely produces lasting change.
Keeping the single narrow doorway
Staying attached to the original should (the gym) instead of the deeper want misses the many other paths that would satisfy it.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone stuck on a should (gym, quitting smoking, a bigger business) that never sticks.
Not ideal for
Non-negotiable obligations where personal desire is irrelevant to the requirement.
From the transcript
“Wants are a far more efficient fuel than shoulds. Shoulds is a very dirty fuel... they're meant to stop behaviors.”
“You can find the want that's beneath that should. And then you have a lot more options.”
From the episode
How to Take Control of Your Emotions - Joe Hudson - #1045
Joe Hudson