The Five Steps to Strategizing Trust
Build genuine trust with anyone by making every engagement completely about them
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 95%
Robin Dreeke reverse-engineered 21 years of recruiting foreign spies into five repeatable steps he calls 'the elusive obvious.' Step one is setting your end goals, anchored on three commitments: a healthy professional relationship, open and transparent communication, and being an available resource for others' prosperity with no expectation of reciprocity. Step two is discovering the other person's priorities. Step three is understanding their context, how they see the world, without judgment. Step four is suspending your ego so every word is about them. Step five is crafting the actual engagement: open with a specific validation of a strength, seek their thoughts and opinions on your ideas, then offer choices of overlapping priorities. The mechanism is neurological: validated thoughts release dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, which lowers defenses and builds affiliation.
Origin
Robin Dreeke, former head of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Program for counterintelligence, distilled the method when asked to write an article describing what his team did. Modeling a mentor, John, who had recruited spies 14 times through radical humility, he turned an intuitive art form into a paint-by-numbers system that could be taught and replicated.
Core principles
- 01Everyone always acts in what they believe is their own best interest
- 02Humans are wired to seek affiliation and validation from a tribe
- 03Manipulation and deception blow trust the instant they are detected
- 04You inspire people to listen; you cannot convince them of anything
- 05Prioritize the relationship above the transaction, every time
How to run it
- 1
Set your end goals, not your ask
Before any engagement, anchor on three end goals: a healthy professional relationship, open honest transparent communication, and being an available resource for the other person's prosperity with no expectation of reciprocity. The interview, sale or recruitment is only a means to these ends.
Pro tip Reverse the order most people use: fix the relationship goals first, and the short-term ask takes care of itself.
Watch out The moment you attach an expectation of reciprocity, you drift toward manipulation and their shields go up.
- 2
Discover their priorities
Figure out their needs, wants, dreams and aspirations across short-term and long-term, personal and professional. People listen to anyone who talks in terms of what matters to them.
Pro tip If you know nothing, default to the universal priority: safety, security and prosperity for them and their families.
- 3
Understand their context
Grasp how they see the world through their own optic: age, demographic, ethnicity, gender, socioeconomic status. This is where you find genuine points of affiliation to build on.
Pro tip Ask an open shared question like 'would you mind sharing a favorite family holiday you had growing up?' to surface common ground without needing identical experiences.
- 4
Suspend your ego
Put your own thoughts and opinions aside, never argue their context, stay non-judgmental, honor reason by keeping a thoughtful mind engaged, validate by seeking to understand at a deep level, and be generous with your time and resources.
Pro tip Before you speak, ask yourself: is what I am about to say going to help or hinder the healthy relationship I am trying to create?
Watch out Judging someone verbally or non-verbally instantly signals 'you are not part of my tribe' and raises their defenses.
- 5
Craft the engagement
Assemble the delivery. Open with a specific validation of a strength, attribute or action you have witnessed (or, with a stranger, validate their time). Seek their thoughts and opinions on your ideas, offer choices of overlapping priorities, and empower them with a choice about staying in contact.
Pro tip You plant seeds by asking people what they think, never by telling them what you think.
Watch out Incongruence between your words and your true feelings reads as insincerity and undoes the first four steps.
In the wild
In his last years at the FBI, Dreeke needed a source in an area where he knew no one. A contact passed along a candidate's website and email. Dreeke researched the man's industry and background, then sent an email that validated his time, sought his thoughts and opinions on a specific threat to public safety, and framed cooperation around protecting the man's own industry from being shut down. He closed by inviting a conversation and promising to leave him alone if not interested.
→ The man called back within about 15 minutes and agreed to be signed up as an intelligence source, with no spycraft or subterfuge involved.
Common mistakes
Leading with a hard-charging ego
Approaching people with a type-A, self-focused personality when they have no reason to talk to you gets you shut down fast. Dreeke learned early that the relationship must be made about everyone but yourself.
Trying to convince instead of inspire
Telling someone your point of view directly is about you, and they will not listen. You must inspire them to want to listen by asking their opinion on your idea first.
Any hint of manipulation or deception
People detect manipulation rapidly, producing that 'creepy car salesman' feeling. Once trust is blown, it cannot be recovered, so Dreeke refuses to lie, deceive or use pretexts.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone who must build rapport and influence with people who owe them nothing, from cold sales to interviewing to leadership.
Not ideal for
Situations where you genuinely need to deceive or coerce, which this method explicitly refuses to do.
From the transcript
“all human beings are trying to do is they're trying to be affiliated and validated by people”
“you plant seeds with people by asking them what they think”
“once Trust is blown just give up”
From the episode
How To Read Behaviour Like An FBI Agent - Robin Dreeke - #063
Robin Dreeke