Heart-Opening Boundaries
Set boundaries about what you'll do, not what others must do
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 80%
Hudson gives two tests for a genuine boundary. First, a boundary is a statement of what YOU will do, never a rule about what the other person must do; the latter is a power struggle that just passes fear and shame back and forth. 'Every time you get angry, I'm going to leave the house' is a boundary; 'you need to stop yelling' is not. Second, a real boundary makes you MORE capable of loving the other person regardless of their response, because it removes the sense of being oppressed. Since we can't love what we believe oppresses us, a heart-opening boundary reframes the other as someone who can't oppress you, freeing you to keep your heart open. Boundaries also naturally soften over time as you internalise that you control your own care.
Origin
Taught by Joe Hudson through his Art of Accomplishment relationship and emotional work.
Core principles
- 01A boundary states what you will do, never what the other person must do
- 02Telling someone what they have to do is a power struggle, not a boundary
- 03A real boundary opens your heart to the other person
- 04You can't love anything you think oppresses you
- 05Boundaries soften over time as you learn you're not oppressed
How to run it
- 1
Read the anger as a boundary signal
When you feel anger, treat it as information that there's something you care about that you're not standing for, and a boundary needs drawing.
Watch out Anger met with shame gets kinked into passive aggression or rage instead of clean action.
- 2
Phrase it as your own action
Frame the boundary entirely around what you will do: 'If you yell, I'll leave for 20 minutes and then we can continue.' Never dictate the other person's behaviour.
Pro tip You are the only one you get to choose for.
Watch out Any 'you must' clause turns it into a power struggle.
- 3
Run the heart-opening test
Ask whether holding this boundary makes you more able to love the other person no matter how they respond. If it closes your heart, redraw it.
- 4
State it calmly, not harshly
Deliver the boundary without the harsh over-strength that comes from fearing you won't keep it. Harshness makes it harder for the other person to receive.
Watch out Over-hard delivery usually signals a fear of losing connection underneath.
- 5
Let it evolve
As you learn you control your own care and aren't oppressed, allow the boundary to become softer and more open-hearted.
In the wild
Hudson describes how his boundary with his alcoholic father evolved. It began as 'I won't be around you if you're drinking,' then 'if you're drunk or hungover,' and finally shifted entirely: 'I can be around you drunk or hungover, but if you treat me like this, I'm out.' As he learned he controlled his own destiny and care, the boundary moved from policing his father's substance use to protecting how he himself would be treated, and became softer and more open-hearted.
→ The boundary stopped being a control battle over the father's behaviour and became a self-directed, sustainable practice.
Common mistakes
Dictating the other person's behaviour
Telling someone what they must do is a power struggle that passes fear and shame back and forth, not a boundary.
Over-hard boundaries from fear of flaking
Making a boundary extreme because you're scared you won't keep it triggers resistance and makes it harder to receive.
Is it for you?
Best for
People in relationships who swing between doormat and controlling ultimatums.
Not ideal for
Situations requiring immediate physical safety intervention.
From the transcript
“One is this is what I'm gonna do... I'm not choosing for you. If you're telling somebody else what they have to do, it's not…”
“A great boundary opens my heart to you. Because it's very hard for us to love anything that we think oppresses us.”
From the episode
23 Lessons For Being Kinder To Yourself - Joe Hudson - #925
Joe Hudson