Relationship Agreements
Pre-negotiate four trigger rules before you argue so conflict can't escalate
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 70%
Rather than trying to have fewer arguments, the Freemans aim to shorten the argument hangover and stop conflict from escalating. The tool is a small set of pre-negotiated agreements. When you notice something that reliably triggers you, you approach your partner in a calm state and own your part: 'I realize I get triggered when you bring up X. I know I'm giving that meaning, but it would really help if we agreed you won't bring that up during an argument.' You keep the list to about four so both people can actually remember them. Then, when an argument flares, either partner can name the agreement being broken — 'that's not constructive here' — which interrupts the escalation before more damage is done and makes later reconciliation easier.
Origin
Taught by Justin and Jocelyn Freeman in their book The Argument Hangover as a pre-conflict tool.
Core principles
- 01You own the meaning you give to a trigger, so ask rather than demand
- 02Agreements are set in a calm state, not mid-argument
- 03Roughly four agreements is enough to actually remember
- 04The goal is to shorten the argument hangover, not eliminate conflict
- 05Either partner can invoke an agreement to de-escalate in the moment
How to run it
- 1
Notice your recurring trigger
Spot a specific thing in the relationship that repeatedly triggers you — a word, bringing up the past, a raised voice, name-calling.
- 2
Own the meaning and propose the agreement
Approach your partner calmly and acknowledge you are the one assigning meaning, then request an agreement: 'it would really help me if we agreed you wouldn't bring that up when we argue.'
Pro tip Framing it as your meaning, not their offence, keeps them off the defensive.
Watch out Proposing agreements mid-argument turns them into weapons; set them in a calm state.
- 3
Pick about four
Limit the set to roughly four agreements so both partners can actually remember and honour them.
- 4
Invoke them in the moment
When an argument starts, remind each other of the relevant agreement — 'hey, that's not constructive here' — to stop escalation before it does more damage.
In the wild
Jocelyn had a tendency to yell and drag up the past to 'connect all the dots.' Aaron's pattern was to shut down, remove his energy, turn his back, and leave the room. They built agreements around exactly those behaviours: no raising voices, no bringing up the past, no name-calling, and for the reserved partner, an agreement not to shut down but to speak up and make a request. The moment either starts to raise their voice, they remind each other it is not constructive.
→ Recurring escalations get interrupted early instead of compounding into a long argument hangover.
Common mistakes
Too many agreements to remember
A long list of rules cannot be recalled in the heat of an argument; keeping it to about four makes them usable.
Demanding instead of owning
Framing the agreement as your partner's fault rather than the meaning you attach makes them defensive and defeats the purpose.
Is it for you?
Best for
Aligned couples who keep hitting the same escalation buttons and want simple guardrails they can invoke mid-conflict.
Not ideal for
Situations where one partner uses 'agreements' to control or silence the other rather than de-escalate mutually.
From the transcript
“it would really help me if we could create an agreement that you wouldn't bring that up when we have an argument”
“just pick like four of these because i think four is reasonable it's not too many to remember”
From the episode
How To Have Better Arguments With Your Partner - The Freemans - #285
The Freemans