The Relationship Fit Checklist
Five self-questions that reveal whether you should stay in a relationship
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 60%
This is a five-question diagnostic Williamson surfaced for deciding whether to stay in a relationship, framed by Chris Bumstead's test of finding someone you feel safe being a burden to. Three of the questions deliberately create psychological distance by taking you out of the situation: would 'you're a lot like your partner' be a compliment, and would you want your imagined future child to date someone like them. The other two probe self-honesty: are you truly fulfilled or just less lonely, and can you be unapologetically yourself or must you perform to please them. Underneath sits a single standard: a relationship should feel like a house with a sturdy roof, the one safe refuge when your job, status, health, and friends fall away. If you cannot be yourself with that person, the house is fake and does not exist.
Origin
Williamson assembled this from a Reddit list of five questions to ask if you are unsure about your relationship, combined with Chris Bumstead's 'feel safe being a burden' test from an earlier Modern Wisdom episode.
Core principles
- 01A relationship should feel like home: your one safe refuge from the world
- 02Familiar loneliness or partnership can trap you in a relationship you should leave
- 03Psychological distance reveals truths that being inside the situation hides
- 04You must be able to be unapologetically yourself with the right partner
- 05The best partner is who you can talk to and be silent with, both unencumbered
How to run it
- 1
Run the 'safe to be a burden' test
Ask whether you feel safe being a burden to your partner. You will not intend to be one, but sometimes you will be, and if you must withhold and perform you will never feel safe.
Pro tip The goal is two people taking on the world together, not dividing and conquering problems separately.
- 2
Create distance with the mirror questions
Ask if being called a lot like your partner would be a compliment, and whether you would want your imagined future child to date someone like them. These pull you out of the situation.
Pro tip Answer fast and honestly before you rationalize.
- 3
Separate fulfilment from loneliness relief
Ask whether you are truly fulfilled or just less lonely. We accept relationships we should not because familiar partnership beats unfamiliar loneliness.
Watch out Fear of being alone is the single biggest distorter of this answer.
- 4
Test whether you can be fully yourself
Ask if you can be unapologetically yourself or feel you must show up differently to please them. Check whether they are the person you can both talk to and stay silent with, unfiltered.
Pro tip The right person is the one you can be most open with and most quiet with.
- 5
Judge the person, not the potential
Ask if you love who your partner is right now as a whole, or only their good side, their potential, or the idea of them.
Watch out Loving potential rather than the present person is a common and costly trap.
In the wild
Williamson frames the standard behind the checklist: your relationship should feel like a house with a sturdy roof and strong foundations. Weather, heat, and cold get thrown at it constantly, but inside is the one safe refuge you have. You can lose your job, your status, your finances, your health, and your friends, but you keep this one safe place in another person. If you cannot be yourself with them, the whole house does not exist and it is fake.
→ Gives a single vivid criterion, being able to be fully yourself, to weigh the five answers against.
Common mistakes
Mistaking less lonely for fulfilled
Staying because familiar partnership beats unfamiliar loneliness keeps people in relationships they should leave.
Loving the potential, not the person
Being in love only with someone's good side or who they might become, rather than who they are now, sets up disappointment.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone unsure about a relationship who needs an honest, structured way to evaluate it.
Not ideal for
Assessing brand-new relationships where there is not yet enough shared experience to answer the questions honestly.
From the transcript
“Find someone who you just feel safe being a burden to. You're not going to intentionally be a burden, but sometimes you suck.”
“Are you truly fulfilled or just less lonely? Are you able to unapologetically be yourself, or do you feel the need to show up differently…”
From the episode
11 Lessons From 900 Episodes - Alex Hormozi, Mark Manson & Winston Churchill - #900