Self-Distancing
Step outside yourself to break rumination and see the wise move
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 82%
Self-distancing is a set of reframes that move you out of the first-person stew and into an observer's seat. When you recount a bad day as 'this happened to me,' you rehash and ruminate. Instead you ask how a fly on the wall would describe the scene, what advice you'd give a friend facing it, what your future self would tell you, or what someone you admire would do. Each device creates psychological distance, which makes the problem feel less pervasive, less permanent, and less personal. Boardman pairs this with treating yourself as someone you're responsible for helping, and with 'being on you' by borrowing an admired figure's stance, so distance not only calms rumination but nudges behavior toward the version of yourself you want to become.
Origin
Boardman draws on self-distancing research in psychology and pairs it with clinical practice, framing it as speaking to yourself the way you'd speak to a person you care about.
Core principles
- 01Stewing in the first person deepens rumination
- 02Distance makes a problem less pervasive, less permanent, less personal
- 03Advising a friend unlocks wisdom you won't give yourself
- 04Borrowing an admired person's perspective pulls you toward who you want to be
How to run it
- 1
Catch the first-person stew
Notice when you're recounting a bad event as 'this happened to me,' which is the on-ramp to rumination.
Watch out Venting in the first person to a sympathetic listener can deepen the rut rather than relieve it.
- 2
Take the observer's seat
Ask how a fly on the wall would describe what happened, stripping the charged first-person framing.
Pro tip Narrating in the third person ('why is she upset?') creates instant distance.
- 3
Advise a friend
Ask what advice you'd give a friend in the same situation, or treat yourself as someone you're responsible for helping.
Pro tip You are almost always kinder and wiser to a friend than to yourself.
- 4
Borrow a future or admired self
Ask what your future self would tell you to do, or what someone you admire would do in this moment.
Pro tip This pulls you closer to the version of yourself you'd like to be, not just a calmer state.
In the wild
Someone has a rough day and a friend asks them to talk about it. In the first person they start reciting 'this happened, then that happened,' stewing and rehashing until they've amplified the distress. Boardman's redirect: ask how a fly on the wall would describe it, or what advice they'd give a friend in the same spot. The scene suddenly reads as less overwhelming and less personal, and a sensible next action becomes visible where before there was only spiraling.
→ Rumination breaks and a concrete next step becomes obvious.
Common mistakes
Confusing venting with processing
Retelling the event in the first person feels like processing but usually just entrenches the rumination.
Using distance to avoid the emotion entirely
The goal is perspective, not suppression; you still name and feel the emotion, then step back to act on it.
Is it for you?
Best for
People prone to overthinking, replaying conversations, or spiraling after a stressful event.
Not ideal for
Situations needing immediate physical action rather than cognitive reframing.
From the transcript
“when you can like self-distance and say, you know, how would a fly on the wall describe that? Or if you were talking to a…”
“treat yourself as if you are someone you're responsible for helping”
From the episode
Positive Psychology's Lessons For Coping With Stress - Dr Samantha Boardman - #358
Dr Samantha Boardman