The Should-I-Stay Diagnostic
A set of honest questions to test whether a relationship is worth staying in
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~days to results
- Steps
- 4
- Confidence
- 68%
Sexton offers a compact scorecard of questions, drawn from decades of divorce and custody work, that surface the honest emotional truth of a relationship rather than its hopes. The core prompts invert the usual framing: if the relationship ended tomorrow with no drama, would you feel relief or disappointment? Do you spend more time living the relationship or questioning it? What emotions and thoughts recur most, and would you accept them for life? Would you want your own child to date someone like your partner? Because people tolerate for themselves what they would never accept for those they love, the child and loved-one prompts cut through self-deception. Paired with his warning against staying on the belief the person will change, the diagnostic turns a foggy, drawn-out doubt into an answerable question.
Origin
James Sexton compiled the questions from decades of representing people in divorce and custody cases, releasing a version as part of a public list of relationship questions.
Core principles
- 01Relief, not disappointment, at an imagined ending is a signal
- 02Living in a relationship differs from constantly questioning it
- 03Judge the partner by whether you'd want your child to date them
- 04Do not stay on the hope that the person will change
How to run it
- 1
Run the painless-ending test
Imagine you woke tomorrow and the relationship had simply ended, with no conversation, fallout, or drama. Notice honestly whether your first feeling is relief or disappointment.
Pro tip Your gut reaction in the first second is the honest one.
- 2
Measure living versus questioning
Assess whether you spend more time actually being in the relationship or more time in your head questioning it.
Watch out Chronic questioning is itself data, not just a phase.
- 3
Name the dominant emotions
Identify the feelings and thoughts you most frequently have in relation to your partner, and ask if you'd accept feeling that way for the rest of your life.
Pro tip Answer for the relationship as it is now, not the improved version you hope for.
Watch out Do not stay on the assumption the person will change; expecting marriage to fix a person is a classic error.
- 4
Apply the child and loved-one test
Ask whether you'd want your future child to date someone like your partner, and what you'd tell a best friend or sibling in this exact relationship.
Pro tip We tolerate for ourselves what we'd never accept for our children, so this exposes what you've been minimising.
In the wild
Sexton says the single most powerful prompt for clients, including domestic-violence victims who won't act for themselves, is asking what their children are learning from the dynamic: a daughter watching how her father treats her mother will believe that is how men should treat her. The abstract 'you deserve better' rarely moves someone, but the realisation that a child is absorbing the pattern reliably prompts the decision to change.
→ A person unable to leave for their own sake finds the resolve to act for their child.
Common mistakes
Answering for the hoped-for future
Rating the relationship on who the partner might become rather than who they are now defeats the diagnostic and keeps you stuck on false hope.
Betting on marriage or a baby to fix it
Expecting an engagement, a wedding, or a child to change the person is a repeated error; the milestone rarely resolves the underlying problem.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone weighing whether to end a long-term relationship and struggling to see it objectively.
Not ideal for
Relationships involving abuse or danger, where safety, not a reflective audit, is the priority.
From the transcript
“If you woke up tomorrow and the relationship had ended with no conversation, fallout, or drama, would you be disappointed or relieved?”
“Would you want your future imagined child to date someone like your partner?”
From the episode
Marriage Lessons from Divorce Court - James Sexton - #1059
James Sexton