The Six Points of View on Needs
Locate why a need never reaches your mouth, then speak it sooner
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 6
- Confidence
- 82%
Armstrong maps a spectrum of six internal 'points of view' a person holds about having a given need: weak and pathetic, selfish and self-centered, unevolved and immature, justified and reasonable, bothersome and annoying, and entitled and deserved. Where you sit on that spectrum for a particular need governs whether it ever gets spoken. Because most people only feel licensed to voice a need once it has travelled all the way to 'entitled and deserved,' huge numbers of legitimate needs never make the trip and instead leak out as complaints, hints, or resentment. The mechanism: identify the need, see the view you attach to it, then deliberately voice it at 'justified and reasonable' as a clear, actionable request rather than waiting to feel you have earned the right to demand it.
Origin
Armstrong developed the model after a workshop student admitted she would not tell her boyfriend a need 'because I can't get over what I think about myself for needing that.' She began studying men in 1991 and started teaching women to tell men what they need in 1995.
Core principles
- 01A need is not weak; the meaning you attach to it is what silences you
- 02People will meet a need they know about and have agreed to meet
- 03A complaint is not an ask and does not reach the action command center
- 04Most needs must feel 'entitled/deserved' before they get voiced, so many never get voiced at all
- 05Deserving does not make a need happen; a clear request does
How to run it
- 1
Name the actual need
Get specific about the thing you need from the other person, not a vague dissatisfaction. Armstrong's shortcut: decide what quality you want to be, then ask what you would need in order to naturally be that quality.
Pro tip Start from 'what quality do I want to be?' and let the need fall out of it.
- 2
Find your point of view on the need
Locate where this need sits for you on the spectrum: weak/pathetic, selfish, unevolved, justified/reasonable, bothersome/annoying, or entitled/deserved. The judgment, not the need, is what locks it down.
Watch out About half of men land at 'weak and pathetic' for most needs, which is why they don't reveal them at all.
- 3
Catch the needs that only surface as complaints
Notice needs that break the surface as a complaint, a hint, or a 'why didn't you' rather than a request. Those have not made the full trip to expression.
Watch out A complaint does not speak to the action command center and will not cause action.
- 4
Voice it at 'justified and reasonable'
Deliberately express the need while it still feels merely reasonable, instead of waiting until you feel entitled enough to demand it. Most needs never get expressed because they never reach 'entitled.'
Pro tip If it feels reasonable, that is already enough license to say it out loud.
- 5
Make it an actionable request
State the need plainly and describe what meeting it would look like, so the other person can actually act. Demanding only offers them submit-or-resist, both of which breed resentment.
Pro tip Ask 'what would that look like?' together so the request is concrete.
Watch out Entitlement ('you owe me, I'm your partner') collapses the request into a demand.
- 6
Appreciate when it is met
When the need is met, give real appreciation. Appreciation feeds the provider and makes them want to keep providing, closing the loop.
In the wild
On a workshop break a woman told Armstrong there was something she needed from her boyfriend but he wasn't giving it. Armstrong asked if she'd told him; she hadn't. Asked why, the woman finally said, 'because I can't get over what I think about myself for needing that.' The need was real and meetable, but her point of view about having it kept it permanently unspoken.
→ The exchange revealed that the blocker to getting needs met is rarely the partner and usually the self-judgment attached to the need.
Armstrong describes high performers whose needs sit at 'bothersome and annoying' or who feel they must keep earning what they need. They ignore the need, ignore it, ignore it, and then are furious at the people who should have foreseen it once they end up 'dead in a ditch.'
→ Unvoiced needs curdle into blame aimed at people who were never told the need existed.
Common mistakes
Waiting to feel entitled before speaking
If you only voice needs once you feel you deserve them, most needs never get expressed at all because they never travel that far across the spectrum.
Letting a need leak out as a complaint
Complaints and hints do not register as requests, so the other person cannot act on them even when they want to.
Assuming deserving makes it happen
Both people agreeing you deserve something does not cause it; only a clear, actionable request does.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone who resents a partner for not meeting needs they never actually stated.
Not ideal for
Situations that call for boundaries or exiting, not clearer requests.
From the transcript
“I identified six different points of view that men and women have about what it means to need a particular thing in the first place…”
“There are a lot of needs that don't make the whole trip. And so they never get told. They never get asked for.”
“A complaint is not an ask.”
From the episode
How to Treat Men Better - Alison Armstrong - #1026
Alison Armstrong