Social Take-the-Stairs
Build social courage with small daily reps of saying the uncomfortable thing
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 66%
Social Take-the-Stairs is a deliberate daily practice for building courage in the social realm, articulated by Chris Williamson. The insight is that hardness in physical training rarely transfers to social situations, so a physically disciplined person can still be a coward in a difficult conversation. The mechanism mirrors taking the stairs instead of the lift: you choose something slightly more difficult than it needs to be. Socially, that means voicing a real feeling instead of a polite deflection, making your demands or needs known, and having the conversation you have been avoiding. Each small rep proves that applying a little pressure does not make you shatter, so you are no longer fragile when a genuinely hard conversation arrives. Over time you accept that advocating for your own needs is legitimate rather than selfish.
Origin
Chris Williamson articulated this on Modern Wisdom while talking with Jesse James West, describing himself as a perennial people-pleaser for whom physical hardness came easily but social hardness never translated, and explaining the daily 'taking the stairs' habit he built over the prior year.
Core principles
- 01Toughness in the physical realm does not automatically transfer to the social realm
- 02Small, slightly harder social choices compound into real bravery
- 03Applying a little pressure proves you are not made of glass
- 04Advocating for your own needs is legitimate, not selfish
How to run it
- 1
Map your social avoidance
Identify where you habitually smooth things over, hide how you feel, or fail to state what you want in order to avoid making others uncomfortable.
Pro tip Notice the automatic 'yeah, all good' when the honest answer is that things are tough.
- 2
Pick the marginally harder response
In everyday exchanges, choose the answer that is slightly more difficult and more honest than the frictionless one. This is the social equivalent of the ice bath or the stairs.
Pro tip When asked how your day is, sometimes answer truthfully: 'actually things are a bit tough at the moment.'
- 3
Voice a real need or feeling
Advocate for your own side. State a demand, a preference, or how something made you feel, gently but clearly, treating your needs as a priority.
Pro tip Frame it around the relationship you value: 'I cherish this friendship, so I want to tell you how that landed.'
Watch out Deliver it gently; the goal is honesty, not aggression.
- 4
Have the avoided conversation
Take on the harder category of talk, telling a boss, friend, or partner something true that you have been sitting on.
Pro tip Name the fear of the conversation to yourself, remembering fear is an inch deep and a mile wide.
- 5
Notice you did not shatter
Register that the relationship survived and no one branded you selfish, building the evidence base that a little pressure will not break you.
Pro tip Treat each survived conversation as a rep that makes the next one easier.
In the wild
Chris described himself as excellent at physical discomfort, breath work, and ice baths, yet a perennial people-pleaser who hated making others uncomfortable. Over the prior year he practised saying the harder true thing: answering honestly when asked about his day, and telling friends 'I know you probably didn't mean it, but that thing the other day really pissed me off, and I don't want it to happen again.' These small confrontations made him braver and less fragile socially.
→ Became measurably braver in social scenarios by treating honest advocacy as a daily trainable habit rather than a one-off act of nerve.
Common mistakes
Assuming physical toughness transfers automatically
Being disciplined in training, diet, and cold exposure does not make you brave in a hard conversation; the social realm needs its own reps.
Confusing advocacy with selfishness
Believing you have no right to needs keeps you silent; stating your needs gently is legitimate and does not make you a narcissist.
Is it for you?
Best for
Perennial people-pleasers who are physically tough but socially avoidant and want to become braver in conversations.
Not ideal for
People whose challenge is the opposite: already blunt or combative and needing more restraint, not more assertion.
From the transcript
“taking the stairs you do something that's a tiny little bit more difficult than it maybe needs to be”
“advocate for your own needs and make them a priority and tell other people gently”
From the episode
How To Stay Disciplined When Times Get Tough - Jesse James West - #866
Jesse James West