The Third Plane of Assertiveness
Leave the nice-versus-jerk axis by regulating yourself first.
- Difficulty
- Advanced
- Time to result
- ~months to results
- Steps
- 5
- Confidence
- 96%
Glover rejects the idea that healthy behavior lies halfway between a compliant nice guy and an aggressive jerk. In his model, both are operating on the same anxious plane: one uses flight, freeze, or fawn responses to manage other people, while the other uses fight. Copying the opposite style therefore changes the tactic but not the mechanism. The alternative is a different plane built on self-soothing, assertiveness, boundaries, differentiation, and honest desire. In practice, the person notices the survival response, tolerates the internal discomfort, asks what they want, and acts without manipulating the environment into removing all anxiety. The result is neither submission nor domination, but grounded agency.
Origin
Glover says years of working with men led him to see shame and anxiety as twin foundations of nice guy behavior, with compliance and aggression on one continuum.
Core principles
- 01Compliance and aggression can be two responses to the same anxiety.
- 02Changing tactics without regulating the inner state preserves dysfunction.
- 03Assertiveness is not the midpoint between passivity and hostility.
- 04Differentiation means knowing what you want while staying connected to others.
How to run it
- 1
Identify the survival move
Name the current pattern as fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Focus on the function of the behavior rather than whether it looks nice or forceful.
Pro tip Ask, 'How am I trying to make the outside world remove this feeling?'
- 2
Stay with the anxiety
Pause long enough to feel the anxious state instead of instantly managing it through appeasement or aggression. Use a safe self-soothing practice.
Pro tip Slow breathing and naming bodily sensations can create a usable pause.
Watch out Do not force prolonged exposure if you feel overwhelmed or unsafe.
- 3
Differentiate
Ask what you want, what matters to you, and what is yours to decide. Separate that from the other person's mood or approval.
- 4
Respond assertively
State your view, need, or limit directly while respecting the other person's agency. Let discomfort remain without escalating or retreating.
Pro tip Use concrete language about what you will do rather than diagnosing the other person.
Watch out Assertiveness is not a polished form of control.
- 5
Follow through
Take the action that matches your stated boundary or priority. Repetition teaches your nervous system that disagreement is survivable.
Watch out A boundary without follow-through becomes another attempt to win approval.
In the wild
Glover describes becoming intensely anxious when his wife looks upset and feeling compelled to fix her mood. The third-plane response is to recognize the old survival state, soothe it, and remain connected without making her expression the measure of his safety.
→ He can care about his wife without treating her immediate approval as a life-or-death requirement.
Common mistakes
Swinging to the opposite extreme
Becoming aggressive after rejecting compliance keeps anxiety in charge and merely changes the control strategy.
Calling avoidance calm
Looking composed while withholding needs or boundaries is still flight or freeze behavior.
Is it for you?
Best for
It is best for conflict-avoidant people who fear that becoming assertive means becoming cruel.
Not ideal for
It is not a substitute for trauma treatment when anxiety reactions are severe or destabilizing.
From the transcript
“I think they are both in a fight flight freeze mode of managing their interstates of anxiety”
“I actually don't know where the Tipping Point is between two dysfunctional extremes it doesn't exist”
“we actually learn to soothe ourselves where we actually learn to be assertive where we actually learn to have boundaries”
From the episode
Why Most Men Fail To Attract A Quality Woman - Dr Robert Glover - #791
Dr Robert Glover