The Twelve Criteria for the Right Partner
Score a relationship on twelve standalone factors instead of chemistry alone
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~months to results
- Steps
- 6
- Confidence
- 72%
Armstrong says men, when studied, evaluate a potential lifelong partner against roughly twelve standalone, factual criteria, none of which is 'love' or 'connection.' They include: not emasculating him too much, genuinely liking him, enough communication and exploration in sex to sustain a lifetime, his belief he can give her what he thinks she needs, compatible or complementary values, futures pointing the same direction, communication that identifies and solves problems, staying on the same team so she doesn't make him the problem, real attraction that is both sexual and charmed/enchanted, and being someone he can impress and therefore make happy. Each criterion stands alone; you can be ten of twelve. The framework reframes commitment as evidence-based due diligence rather than a leap taken on chemistry.
Origin
Armstrong distilled the criteria from interviewing large numbers of men about what makes a person the right person to marry, run as part of her Understanding Men and Queen's Code curriculum.
Core principles
- 01Love and connection are not on the list of what makes someone the right person
- 02Each criterion is a standalone; you can be ten out of twelve
- 03Men evaluate commitment on factual, practical criteria more than women do
- 04Chemistry and connection are wildly overvalued as commitment signals
- 05Find evidence before you commit rather than after
How to run it
- 1
Check emasculation and genuine liking
Confirm neither partner diminishes the other 'too much' (the threshold shifts over time), and that you genuinely like the person, not merely love or are attracted to them.
Pro tip Liking is separable from loving; test for both.
Watch out 'Too much' emasculation changes with the stage of life, so re-check it.
- 2
Assess sex and provision
Ask whether there is enough communication, exploration, and variety in sex to last a lifetime with this one person, and whether he believes he can give her what he thinks she needs.
Watch out How he figures out what she needs is its own topic; belief he can provide is the criterion here.
- 3
Align values and futures
Compare where you each come from (values, which can be complementary rather than identical) and whether your futures point in the same direction.
- 4
Test communication and teamwork
Verify communication is productive, meaning it identifies and solves problems, and that you stay on the same team so that when there's a problem she doesn't make him the problem.
Pro tip 'When there's a problem, she doesn't make me the problem' is the same-team test in one line.
Watch out Staying on the same team is described as very hard for women to do.
- 5
Confirm attraction and impressibility
Check that she is attractive to him both sexually and as someone he is charmed and enchanted by, and that she can be impressed, since a man who cannot impress her doubts he can ever make her happy.
Pro tip If he can't impress her at all, that's a non-starter regardless of the other scores.
- 6
Score standalones and gather evidence
Treat each factor as independent and honest about the count. Before committing, find real evidence for the criteria that matter most rather than assuming you'll change the person later.
Pro tip Ask 'what do I need to be able to trust this person for?' and find evidence before you commit.
Watch out People commit way too quickly; deciding you'll change them after marriage is a trap.
In the wild
As Armstrong rattled off the criteria, she stressed each one is a standalone that matters on its own: 'Someone could be ten out of twelve.' The point is not a pass/fail average but seeing clearly which specific factors are present and which are missing before committing.
→ Partners can make an eyes-open decision instead of averaging a gut feeling.
Armstrong notes women in sales are mystified when a man doesn't buy despite 'a great connection,' and women are shocked when a great connection doesn't produce a proposal. In her interviews of men, love and connection simply do not appear among the twelve factual, practical things that make a person the right person to commit to.
→ Overweighting connection leads people to commit on a signal that men do not treat as decisive.
Common mistakes
Committing on chemistry and connection
Chemistry and connection feel decisive but are not on the list of what actually makes a workable partner; treating them as sufficient skips the real criteria.
Planning to change them after the wedding
Deciding 'I'll change him once we're married' substitutes fantasy for the evidence you should gather before committing.
Averaging instead of reading standalones
Each criterion matters on its own; blending them into one overall feeling hides which specific, decisive factors are missing.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone deciding whether to commit to a long-term partner and prone to overweighting how it feels.
Not ideal for
Early flirtation, where a full scorecard would kill spontaneity.
From the transcript
“Interviewing men, 12 things that make a person the right person to commit to... Love and connection are not in the list of 12.”
“All of these are standalones, by the way. Each one of them matters. Someone could be ten out of twelve.”
“People commit way too quickly.”
From the episode
How to Treat Men Better - Alison Armstrong - #1026
Alison Armstrong