Deep Listening to Draw Out a Story
Listen to hear, not to respond, and people reveal what they never say
- Difficulty
- Moderate
- Time to result
- ~ongoing to results
- Steps
- 6
- Confidence
- 72%
Deep listening treats a story as something you earn, not extract. You first distinguish listening-to-respond from listening-to-hear, then remove everything that distracts you or the speaker — no notes, no devices, full presence. Because guarded people only give a clinical account until they trust you, you build that trust by making yourself vulnerable first, letting them learn something real about you. You find an 'in' (an object on the mantelpiece, a phrase they used) rather than expecting them to volunteer. Then you embrace silence: when they stop, you resist the visceral urge to fill the gap and let them formulate what comes next. You watch body language alongside words, and you admit ignorance rather than bluffing, which invites them to tell you more.
Origin
Heather Morris developed this over 20 years in a Melbourne hospital social work department, listening to patients and families in trauma without taking notes. She then used it across three years with Holocaust survivor Lali Sokolov to write The Tattooist of Auschwitz, tracing the root skill back to her great-grandfather who taught her to listen as a child.
Core principles
- 01If you are talking, you are not learning; you are repeating what you already know
- 02People only tell the real story once they trust you, and trust is built by shared vulnerability
- 03Silence is not a gap to fill; it is the space where the next truth forms
- 04Listening to respond is different from listening to hear
- 05Everyone has a remarkable story, they just don't know it
How to run it
- 1
Choose to hear, not to respond
Before the conversation, decide you are there to hear the person, not to plan your reply. While you rehearse what to say next, you stop hearing what is actually being said.
Pro tip Notice the urge to insert your 'two cents' and treat it as a signal you've stopped listening.
- 2
Remove every distraction
Put away pen, paper, and any recording device so nothing competes for the speaker's attention or yours. Being fully in the moment is more important than capturing every word live.
Pro tip Race home afterward and write down what you remember rather than taking notes in front of them.
Watch out For traumatized or elderly speakers, a visible notepad or recorder can make them clam up.
- 3
Make yourself vulnerable first
Share something real about yourself so the other person can trust you. Vulnerability, not shared strength, is what bonds people, because it shows you have faith in them.
Pro tip Introduce them to your world — family, home, your own flaws — so they have 'the goods' on you too.
- 4
Find an 'in'
People rarely start talking for the hell of it. Latch onto an object they keep, or a phrase they just used, and ask about it to open the door.
Pro tip That ornament on the mantelpiece you've ignored for 25 years is sitting there for a reason — ask.
Watch out The exception is children, who babble non-stop; there your job is to pick out the one thing worth responding to.
- 5
Embrace the silence
Humans are hardwired to hate silence, but when the speaker pauses, give them room. Resist the visceral urge to jump in and they will usually fill the gap themselves with something deeper.
Pro tip Treat their pause as their turn still, not yours — come back in only when it's clearly finished.
Watch out Filling silence to relieve your own discomfort cuts off what they were about to reveal.
- 6
Read the whole person and admit what you don't know
Hear the body language as well as the words. When you don't understand the subject, say so honestly rather than bluffing, which gives them permission to tell you more.
Pro tip 'I'm not up to speed with that' often unlocks a fuller explanation than pretending you followed.
In the wild
Heather Morris spent weeks with 87-year-old Holocaust survivor Lali Sokolov, who gave only a clinical, fragmented account and grew distressed when memories surfaced. Instead of pushing, she waited for an opening and invited him home to meet her husband and adult children. Once he had shared jokes and secrets with her family and 'had the goods' on her, he began to trust her, wept openly, and finally recounted the full horror and survival he had lived through.
→ The complete story emerged over three years and became The Tattooist of Auschwitz, an international bestseller.
Morris watched her grandson Nathan shout 'you're not listening!' at his three-year-old sister Rachel, growing more upset as she refused to engage. Morris sat down, turned Rachel to make eye contact, and simply asked if she didn't want to listen right now. Rachel said no. Morris asked if she might want to listen later, then proposed they negotiate a time. Ten minutes later Rachel was listening.
→ A stalemate became cooperation by hearing the child's 'no' and scheduling the interaction rather than forcing it.
Common mistakes
Listening only to plan your reply
Rehearsing your response means you miss most of what is being said. If you're talking, you're not learning anything new, just repeating what you already know.
Rushing to fill every silence
The visceral urge to end a pause cuts the speaker off just as they were about to formulate something deeper. More silence usually yields more truth.
Bluffing when you don't understand
Faking comprehension shuts down the exchange, whereas admitting you don't know invites the person to tell you more.
Is it for you?
Best for
Anyone trying to genuinely understand a grieving, traumatized, elderly, or guarded person and earn their full story.
Not ideal for
Fast transactional exchanges or debate-style back-and-forth conversations where information trades quickly.
From the transcript
“if you actively listen to somebody, you listen to them without thinking in your head... what can I jump in and say here? What's my…”
“we're hardwired not to like silence... if you actually do just shut up for a little bit longer and just give them that room to…”
“recognize the difference between listening to the person in front of you for the purpose of responding, or are you actually wanting to hear what…”
From the episode
Lessons In Listening From The Tattooist Of Auschwitz - Heather Morris - #227
Heather Morris