Resistance-Reducing Verb Choice
Swap the loaded verb for the traction verb to move a resistant person forward
- Difficulty
- Easy
- Time to result
- ~weeks to results
- Steps
- 6
- Confidence
- 82%
Conversation-analytic study of real UK suicide crisis negotiations found that the specific verb a negotiator uses measurably changes whether the person in crisis resists or engages. Proposals built on 'talk' draw resistance ('what's the point in talking, talking doesn't do anything') because our idioms devalue talk. Proposals built on 'speak' get traction; there is no 'speak is cheap' idiom. Likewise 'let's sort things out' (action-oriented) beats 'let me help you' (which invites 'you can't help me'), and asking about actions the person has already chosen ('how did you get up there?') requires no compromise to answer. The findings were confirmed statistically across coded cases and fed back to negotiators, who could adopt them because the moves happen at the scripted start of an encounter.
Origin
Developed by conversation analyst Elizabeth Stokoe with colleague Ryan Sickafus from recordings of real UK police suicide crisis negotiations, then validated with statistical coding and returned to negotiators as practice-based training.
Core principles
- 01Words are not neutral vessels; specific verbs carry idiomatic baggage that invites or defuses resistance
- 02'Talk' and 'help' trigger stock rebuttals ('talk is cheap', 'you can't help me'); 'speak' and 'sort things out' do not
- 03Anchor the ask to something the person has already chosen to do, so agreeing requires no new compromise
- 04You cannot claim words don't matter unless you have studied the real encounters where they were used
- 05Effective moves are usually already in someone's natural practice, not exotic new scripts
How to run it
- 1
Spot the resistance setup
Identify that you are trying to move someone who has taken a stance and will defend it to appear consistent. Expect resistance rather than compliance.
Pro tip People in a committed position stay logical and want to look rational, so a direct 'please come down' is answered with a reasoned refusal.
- 2
Choose 'speak' over 'talk'
Open with a proposal built on the verb 'speak' ('I want to speak to you'), not 'talk'. 'Talk' invites the rebuttal that talking achieves nothing.
Pro tip There is no idiom that says speaking is worthless, so 'speak' slips past the reflex objection.
- 3
Frame help as joint action
Replace offers to 'help' with 'let's see if we can sort things out'. Offering help invites 'you can't help me'; action framing sidesteps it.
Watch out Overt care lines ('I really care about you, I understand') invite 'you don't even know me' and stall the exchange.
- 4
Ask about already-decided actions
Ask about something the person has already chosen to do, e.g. 'how did you get up there?'. Answering it costs no compromise and keeps them taking positive turns.
Pro tip Every turn they take talking is a turn where they are choosing to stay engaged.
- 5
Test 'willing' and 'opposed'
For requests someone previously resisted, 'are you willing to' or 'would you be opposed to' can flip a no, because refusing now takes visible effort.
Watch out 'Willing' is heavy; asking a partner 'would you be willing to put the bins out?' can read as loaded, so reserve it for genuine resistance.
- 6
Read the next turn and adjust
Watch the immediate response for resistance markers and delay. If resistance appears, change the verb and re-propose rather than pushing harder on the same wording.
Pro tip A misfired empathy move that comes too early gets 'that's not how I feel' and sends the exchange into a spiral; timing matters as much as wording.
In the wild
A negotiator arrives at a suicide crisis where a person is on a roof. An opener asking to 'talk about how you are' draws flat resistance and the phone going down. Reframing the proposal around 'speak to you and let's sort things out', plus asking about actions the person already chose ('how did you get up there?'), keeps them taking turns. Stokoe and her colleague coded the full dataset and confirmed statistically that 'speak' drew far less resistance and faster traction than 'talk'.
→ Negotiators fed the finding back into UK practice and were able to open negotiations that gained traction faster with less friction.
Instead of asking his partner whether she wants to go to the Cheesecake Factory, Alex Hormozi (recounted on the show) asks 'would you be opposed to going?'. Not being opposed is the low-effort answer; stating a competing preference now takes visible work. The framing tilts the default toward yes without any pressure.
→ The partner more often goes along, because voicing an alternative preference is more effortful than simply agreeing she is not opposed.
Common mistakes
Leading with care and empathy lines
Opening with 'I really care about you, I understand' invites 'you don't know me, you can't say that' and stalls the exchange. Action-framed verbs outperform textbook empathy openers.
Assuming words don't matter
Believing the outcome is fixed regardless of phrasing means you never test verb choice. The data show the exact verb shifts resistance measurably.
Firing the empathy move too early
Steel-manning or 'that's right' attempts before you have gathered enough evidence get 'no, that's not how I feel' and spiral the conversation downward.
Is it for you?
Best for
High-stakes conversations where someone has taken a position and you need to keep them engaged without demanding they compromise.
Not ideal for
Casual low-stakes exchanges where over-engineering word choice reads as stilted or manipulative.
From the transcript
“dialogue proposals that are built from the verb to talk get resistance... whereas when negotiators say something like I want to speak to you and…”
“if you say how did you get up there it's a question that answering it doesn't require any kind of compromise because the person already…”
“if you ask someone if they're willing to do something that they previously resisted doing a bit, then they're more likely to say yes than…”
From the episode
The Science Of Analysing Conversations - Elizabeth Stokoe - #506
Elizabeth Stokoe