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Kevin Kelly08 June 2023

22 Habits To Follow For A Happy Life - Kevin Kelly - #638

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Frameworks in this episode

Insights & moments

The myth-busts, hot takes, explainers, and tools worth keeping.

Myth Buster· 1

Myth Buster

Don't make policy on one or two studies — social media included

Kelly argues complex domains like the body and society need hundreds of experiments, not one or two, before you make policy. He's reluctant to legislate social media on a handful of mostly-US studies, and says AI, at roughly a year old with near-zero research, is far too premature for policy.

  • Complex, multivariate systems need hundreds of studies, unlike physics
  • Social media policy rests on just a handful of experiments so far
  • The FDA's approve-once-never-retest model isn't modern
  • AI is too new to base policy on

you just should not be making policy based on just the handful that have been done

Kevin Kelly
#evidence#policy#social-media

Hot Take· 3

Hot Take

Why a billion dollars (and fame) is a tax on your life

Kelly warns against aiming for a billion dollars or fame. A billion becomes an imprisoning burden you can't spend, that overtakes your life and harms your kids. Fame is separate from wealth and is dehabilitating; Williamson contrasts a low-key billionaire eating undisturbed at Nando's with the mobbing Drake would face.

  • A billion dollars is imprisoning; you can't spend it and giving it away becomes another job
  • Fame, not wealth, is what makes you mobbed; never aim for fame
  • There is a tax for great wealth, paid in other parts of life
  • Billionaires still ask 'what do I do when I grow up?' — money doesn't answer it

try your hardest not to have a billion dollars because it's gonna ruin your life

Kevin Kelly

the price that you pay for the wealth you have is something that I'd never considered before

Chris Williamson
#wealth#fame#money
Hot Take

Ignore any website with 'truth' in its URL

A contemporary heuristic from Kelly's own experience: you can ignore any website with the word 'truth' in its URL, and any email promising a really good bargain. Discussing the parallel of 'science' in a field's name (social science, Christian science), he says it means you simply need far more evidence because the domain is more multivariate.

  • Ignore any URL containing 'truth' and any 'great bargain' email
  • Fields that put 'science' in the name are more multivariate and need more evidence
  • Unlike physics, sociology and medicine need hundreds of studies, not one or two

You can ignore any website with the word truth in its URL.

Chris Williamson
#heuristics#skepticism#evidence
Hot Take

Perfectionism is procrastination masquerading as quality control

Williamson's aphorism is that perfectionism is procrastination masquerading as quality control. People optimize for perfecting rather than shipping at the pace needed to learn what works, avoiding real-world rejection by keeping everything behind the scenes. Kelly's answer is to share work early, before it's done.

  • Perfectionism lets you avoid real-world rejection and failure
  • People optimize for perfecting rather than shipping to learn
  • Shipping at pace is how you discover what actually works

perfectionism is procrastination, masquerading is quality control

Chris Williamson
#perfectionism#shipping#procrastination

Explainer· 9

Explainer

The case for optimism: three reasons progress is real

Kelly argues optimism is a learnable skill, not just a temperament, and gives four reasons to hold it. History shows progress is real and ongoing, optimists thrive psychologically, optimists create the good things that improve life, and our capacity to solve problems is growing faster than the problems themselves.

  • Progress is real and the conditions generating it are still at work
  • Optimistic people thrive; 'learned optimism' teaches kids setbacks are temporary
  • Optimists imagine and build the complex good things that don't happen by accident
  • Optimism isn't Pollyanna: problems are real, but our capacity to solve them grows faster

I'm optimistic, not because the problems I think are smaller than we're aware of, but because our capacity to solve the problems is increasing even…

Kevin Kelly
#optimism#progress#mindset
Explainer

The thing that made you weird as a kid makes you successful — if you don't lose it

The inherent difference that made you weird as a child is what can make you successful as an adult, provided you nourish rather than lose it. That uniqueness drives wealth and innovation and makes you less replaceable by AI. School and job-seeking tend to beat it out of us as we chase being 'the best.'

  • Weirdness reflects your inherent makeup, tendencies, and abilities
  • The more special and unique you are, the less likely AI replaces you
  • Schooling and conformity beat this difference out of us
  • Retaining or returning to it raises your chance of being 'the only'

the more special and unique and weird you are, the less likely you're going to be replaced by AI

Kevin Kelly
#uniqueness#creativity#ai-proofing
Explainer

Why self-deception protects your mental 'base code'

Kelly and Williamson explore why humans are self-deceptive. The best way to convince others you're not crazy is to believe it yourself, making you the easiest person to fool. There's also an evolutionary advantage in keeping the ego away from your fundamental operating system, a deliberate distancing that keeps you functioning.

  • Convincing others you're normal is easier if you deceive yourself first
  • You are the easiest person to fool and the last to know
  • Distancing keeps the ego from tampering with your core operating system
  • Like breathing or digestion, some processes shouldn't be consciously accessible

you really don't want the ego to be able to mess around too much in in your fundamental operating system

Kevin Kelly
#self-deception#psychology#evolution
Explainer

Wired's rule: write for the peer, not the 11-year-old

Kelly's standard advice to Wired writers was 'you're writing to me — I am your audience, I am bored, you have to amaze me.' The test for explaining a term is whether you needed it explained when you learned it. Assume the reader is a peer near the audience's avatar, avoiding both over-explaining and losing people.

  • Write to a bored peer you must amaze, not to your mum or an 11th grader
  • Explain a term only if you needed it explained when you learned it
  • New fields need clunky over-explanation until the culture catches up
  • Wired found its tribe by writing the magazine its founders wanted to read

You're not writing to your mom. You're not writing to the 11th grader. You're writing to me. I am your audience. I am bored. You…

Kevin Kelly
#writing#audience#communication
Explainer

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional

Kelly frames pain as external and suffering as internal — an identity. Animals feel pain but don't suffer as we do; we turn pain into suffering by being victimized by it and letting it become who we are. As with learned optimism, treating setbacks as temporary traits rather than identity keeps pain from becoming suffering.

  • Pain is external; suffering is an internal identity
  • You don't want pain to become your identity — keep it a trait that surrounds you
  • Suffering carries an acceptance of a fate; pain can be overcome
  • Learned optimism reframes setbacks as temporary, not who you are

pain is outside, suffering is internal

Kevin Kelly
#pain#suffering#stoicism
Explainer

Trust me, there is no them — coordination requires competence

Kelly argues there is no coordinated 'them' conspiring against you, because conspiracy requires competence and collaboration most people lack. Systems can be biased (systemic racism exists) without a deliberate cabal. Williamson offers 'Schultz's razor': it's not coordination, it's cowardice — people follow the path of least resistance to keep their jobs.

  • Conspiracy requires a competence and coordination most people lack
  • Systems can be biased without a deliberate 'them' of individuals
  • Schultz's razor: it's not coordination, it's cowardice
  • Aligned incentives, not conscious collusion, produce the appearance of a plan

there is no them

Kevin Kelly

it's not coordination, it's cowardice

Chris Williamson
#conspiracy#incentives#systems
Explainer

Lead by giving people a reputation they can step up to

You lead by letting others know what you expect of them, which may exceed what they expect of themselves — providing a reputation they can step up to. Kelly learned this from a track coach and from Steve Jobs. The balance between tyranny and inspiration is judged by whether the person stays whole and healthy.

  • Expect more of people than they expect of themselves; they rise to it
  • A coach and Steve Jobs led by believing in capabilities others couldn't yet see
  • Judge whether you're pressing too hard by the person's overall wholeness
  • The Amish evaluate new tech by its effect on family and character

Provide them a reputation that they can step up to.

Chris Williamson
#leadership#expectations#mentorship
Explainer

When choosing between being right or being kind, be kind

Kelly says you can't be too kind, and pairs it with attending funerals: almost nobody mentions the departed's achievements — they remember whether the person was kind, funny, or helpful. Humans are fundamentally kind-hearted, and paradoxically the most selfish thing you can do is be kind, because people treat you their best in return.

  • At funerals people recall kindness and warmth, not achievements
  • Humans are fundamentally kind-hearted, contrary to what school teaches
  • The more you give, the more you get — a paradox that founds the universe
  • Being kind is paradoxically the most selfish thing you can do

whenever you have a choice between being right or being kind, be kind, no exceptions

Chris Williamson
#kindness#character#relationships
Explainer

Heaven and hell are your current trajectory times infinity

Williamson quotes that karma is repeating your patterns until you get what you deserve. Kelly relays C.S. Lewis's view that heaven and hell are simply taking who you are and what you're becoming and making it infinite. Your current trajectory, extended forever, is either heaven or hell.

  • Karma is repeating your patterns until you get what you deserve
  • C.S. Lewis: heaven and hell extend your current self infinitely
  • A self-serving trajectory extended forever is hell; a bettering one is heaven
  • It's your current direction multiplied by infinity

it's it's it's your current trajectory just multiply by infinity

Kevin Kelly
#character#habits#philosophy

Story· 2

Story

The world's best color picker and her giant Crayola set

Williamson recounts a top color-picker for elite fashion and interior-design houses who had no formal training. As a nine-year-old she used every crayon in the biggest Crayola set down to the nub. It illustrates someone who was weird in childhood and never lost it as an adult.

  • A world-class specialist with no formal training
  • Her 'training' was obsessively using a huge crayon set as a child
  • A concrete example of childhood weirdness carried into adult mastery

when I was nine years old, my parents bought me the biggest Crayola crayon set that was available, and I used every single one of…

Chris Williamson
#mastery#childhood#passion
Story

Hugh Howey celebrated every step of Silo as if it were the last

Bookstore-clerk-turned-author Hugh Howey wrote chapters on Amazon that became the Silo stories, later adapted for Amazon Prime. Through many precarious option and casting steps that could each collapse, he celebrated each advance as if that was as far as it would go. Kelly applies the same to celebrating each year of life.

  • Howey started as a bookstore clerk writing chapters on Amazon
  • The adaptation moved through many steps that each could fail
  • He celebrated every advance as if it were the final victory
  • Apply the same intermediate-victory mindset to your years

each time it moved a step ahead, he would celebrate as if that's as far as it was gonna go

Kevin Kelly
#celebration#resilience#writing

Takeaway· 9

Takeaway

Lengthen your time horizon to nudge your disposition

One of the easiest ways to become more optimistic is to extend your time horizon to 10, 20, or 30 years. Over a long enough window, the slow compounding of progress overwhelms even serious setbacks, and you stop confusing short-term noise for the underlying signal.

  • A longer horizon makes setbacks look temporary rather than defining
  • Compounding a few percent net gain becomes a very large consistent force
  • Long views separate noise from the real trend

One of the easiest ways is to change your time horizon.

Kevin Kelly
#time-horizon#compounding#optimism
Takeaway

Control of your time is the highest form of wealth

Money is abundant but time is scarce, so control of your own time is Kelly's definition of true wealth. He distinguishes the rich (lots of money) from the wealthy (control of their time) and says being wealthy is easier than being rich. He advises trading wealth for time whenever you can.

  • Money is abundant; time is the scarcest thing
  • The rich have money; the wealthy have control of their time
  • It's much easier to be wealthy than rich
  • Trade wealth for time whenever possible — it's what the rich try to do

having control of that is my definition of true wealth

Kevin Kelly
#time#wealth#freedom
Takeaway

What you do on your bad days matters more than your good days

The secret to moving forward is how you handle bad days, since everyone has them. Rather than elevating your peak experiences, you want to raise your worst days so they're not so bad — optimizing for higher lows rather than higher highs. Kelly and Williamson riff on Tim Ferriss's 'crush the average Tuesday' and the idea of a 'good bad day.'

  • Everyone has bad days; the skill is absorbing them and trying again tomorrow
  • Elevate your worst days rather than your best — raise the safety net
  • Optimize for higher lows, not higher highs
  • Your life is largely what you make on your average Tuesday

What you do on your bad days matters more than what you do on your good days.

Chris Williamson

you want to elevate your worst days so that they're not so bad

Kevin Kelly
#habits#resilience#consistency
Takeaway

Study what irritates you in others to understand yourself

Finding something irritating in others is a signal it resonates with a part of your own makeup worth investigating. Kelly ties this to the quantified-self insight that we are opaque to ourselves and often the last to know our own motivations, needing discipline and outside help to understand ourselves.

  • Irritation signals something in you attuned to the trait
  • We are opaque to ourselves and the last to know our own motives
  • Investigate the reaction to learn about yourself, even if you're not like it

A great way to understand yourself is to seriously reflect on everything you find irritating in others.

Chris Williamson
#self-knowledge#introspection#quantified-self
Takeaway

Ask the question that sounds stupid — 90% are thinking it too

Don't be afraid to ask a question that sounds stupid, because 90% of the time everyone else has the same question and is too embarrassed to ask. Kelly asked all the 'stupid' questions in class; Williamson notes his most-praised podcast moments are asking what a word means, because he's rarely the only one who doesn't know.

  • Most people share your 'stupid' question but are too embarrassed to ask
  • Kelly credits a genuine, selfish curiosity rather than altruism
  • As an editor he represented the reader by demanding real explanations
  • Williamson's most-thanked moments are asking for simple definitions

90% of the time everyone else is thinking of the same question and is too embarrassed to ask it

Chris Williamson
#curiosity#questions#learning
Takeaway

Tend to the small things: more are defeated by blisters than mountains

On Kelly's walk-and-talks, fit people who could climb a mountain get brought low by a tiny blister from new shoes. Metaphorically, small neglected things — unpaid taxes, unbalanced bank accounts — undo you. Handle the mundane basics so you're free to do the great things you're called to do.

  • Fit hikers are defeated by blisters, not the mountain
  • Never buy new shoes for a long hike
  • Small neglected admin (taxes, finances) can bring you down
  • Tend the small things to enable the big ones

More people are defeated by blisters than mountains.

Chris Williamson
#details#fundamentals#discipline
Takeaway

Right now, no matter your age, these are your golden years

Kelly says these are your golden years right now, not at 70 — good stuff yields golden memories and bad stuff yields golden lessons. Celebrate the present as good as it gets. He counters the fear that celebrating kills drive, noting people over-flagellate far more than they over-celebrate.

  • Good yields golden memories; bad yields golden lessons
  • Celebrate the present as the best it's going to get
  • Celebrating won't kill your drive — people under-celebrate
  • Ties to celebrating each intermediate victory as if it's the last

Right now, no matter your age, these are your golden years

Chris Williamson
#present-moment#celebration#gratitude
Takeaway

Don't save the best china — deferred happiness syndrome

Williamson describes deferred happiness syndrome: the feeling that life hasn't begun and the present is a mere prelude to an idyllic future that keeps receding. Kelly's related advice is not to save the best china and wine for a date that never comes — use them now, because this is the time to celebrate.

  • Deferred happiness treats the present as a prelude to an idyllic future
  • That future mirage fades as you approach it
  • Don't save the best china and wine for a date that never happens
  • Use the good things now

don't save the best china and the best wine for some date that's never gonna happen

Kevin Kelly
#present-moment#happiness#hedonics
Takeaway

The 'you're always right' marriage trick

Kelly and his wife rotate who is 'always right' — not asserting who really is right, but treating the other as if they're right. It works because it aligns with human kindness and accounts for our irrationality: we're not utility optimizers, we act on how we feel, so choosing kindness over rightness lands better.

  • Rotate treating each other as if right, regardless of the facts
  • It aligns with the general drift of human kindness
  • We're not utility optimizers; we act on feelings, not facts
  • Kindness accounts for irrationality better than being right does

we're not saying whether they're really right, you're saying we're treating you as if you're right

Kevin Kelly
#marriage#kindness#relationships